Phonyvirus 2020

So yeah. It's been awhile. As I type this, we're still in the middle of the "great plague" of 2020. Coronavirus aka COVID-19 has everything shutdown. Our economy is collapsing. A lot of people have died, about 122K worldwide as of today's official count. That number was supposed to be a lot higher but for reasons one or the other, it's a lot less. I won't go into the minutia of why or what I speculate, but let's just say it hasn't brought us together as a society any more than before. We're as divided as ever. It seems like if you have anything positive to say about Trump or anything he's done, suddenly you're lumped in with the Trump cult crowd, or if you have anything negative to say you're a hater. It's like people have completely forgotten there's a middle ground and both things can be true. I like some of what he's done, and hate other things about what he says and does. It's not all black and white, but that's just how I see it. I have a duplicity in my nature.

In that vein, I'll move on to the bulk of my post. I'm done with pretending to be something or someone I'm not. The last few years have given me a lot of clarity on things that I didn't see before. The last year in particular. People I once thought were friends have drifted away or outright stopped talking to me because I don't agree with them on every political point. I had to get off Facebook. Every day I found myself getting pissed off at someone or something and I just don't need that in my life. I have enough stress and things to worry about. I'm tired of trying to keep people happy or be some image of something that I'm not to please those who at the end of the day, don't really give a shit anyway. I'm tired of trying to please people who can't be pleased. Be bitter, I refuse.

That's why I had walked away from this blog. There was a time when I thought maybe I wanted to find ways to monetize or at least raise my profile in social media. I've been toying with finishing a book and getting it published, so hey, why not right? A good social media presence would be a good thing, right? That may be true, but I've reached a point where I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. Love me or leave me. I've been hiding too much and painting pictures that are more surrealism than realistic. I'm done with that. My last post about our camping trip? It was bullshit. I mean, yeah, those events happened. And I truly do hope my kids will have good memories about it. But for me, it was a disaster. I feel like I threw away a lot of money on a trip that nobody appreciated. Maybe the kids will someday, but outside of the little one, it sure didn't seem like it at the time. There was a lot of bitching, fighting, complaining, and all around bad attitudes. And the pic of the Lincoln Memorial? You know what I remember about it? I remember trying to get a picture with my loving wife in front of the reflecting pool along with all the other loving couples and basically getting into a fight about it instead. The one lasting memory I have is a fight with the person who is supposed to be my ride or die. I know I'll never be back there again. I'll never have another opportunity to take that pic, and she burned it to the ground. That's my memory. I remember going home still bitter and angry. I should have posted honestly about it, but I didn't want to create a negative image. I don't care anymore. I'm calling it like I see it. I appreciate someone pointing this out to me and giving me motivation to rectify myself. I like blogging. I just don't like being a phony.

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I live a picture in my head

Colours soaring as I float up with my body in my bed, yeah

And I wonder if I'm dead

Saw the white light flicker so I wake up in a sweat; code red

Sirens going off, probably something that I dreamt

Thinking 'bout the shit I never told you that I meant

I can't shake it off, chloroform, peace and rest

But you know all I ever really wanted was a friend

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

Late night fantasy, it's when I teleport again

I got a spare key, we can and go and play pretend

(We can go and play pretend, yeah)

We can really transcend, no (We can really transcend, yeah)

You and me in an empty room

They can't get in, only room for two

If you play your part and I play mine, too

I'll never take my eyes off you

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

I love the picture in my head

But I know that it's not real

I live a picture in my head

'Cause I like how it makes me feel

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

10 Years Together

Ten years ago, I married the woman who I know will be my wife till the day I die. I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought at the time, it just seemed the right thing to do. We had been dating for several years, we lived together, and she was pregnant. I had no qualms about getting married to her. I loved her. She loved me. We were happy. Honestly, marriage just wasn't that big of a deal to me, since I had been married and divorced twice before. Those failed relationships had left a feeling of insignificance toward the whole institution of modern day marriage. Most don't last, most don't mean much of anything. I only wanted to get married for the sake of our kid, since there is this old ideology I got from my parents that tells me you're supposed to get married if you have kids and that's the best environment for them to grow up in. Oddly enough, after we were married, it seemed to mean a lot more to me. It wasn't about just the kid anymore. I guess it matters more when you marry someone that you actually enjoy being with and who you know is committed to being with you equally as much. So now, all this time later, I still feel very much like she was the right person for me to marry. Sure, we've had our fights. I've probably fought some of worst of my life with her. No, I'm sure I have. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I know we are meant to be together and work through all these issues. We've now had three children together, little ones that are both a blessing and a burden we share. Raising kids is hard work, don't let anyone tell you different. It's just a whole lot easier when you are able to do so with someone you love and loves you in return. Some days we may not like each other very much, but we will always love each other. I have no doubts of that. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I found something that is a rarity these days. I found a marriage partner that is not just a spouse, but a friend. She's my best friend. Ten years have flown by. I look forward to decades more. I love you.

Happy Birthday Anna

Music. I love music. I love my little girl. You are a little ray of sunshine in my life. I am so proud of how brilliant you are, how creative you are, and I know you will do great things. Never let the world tell you any different, and never worry about pleasing men. Open your heart to God and let him guide you. Love, Dad

Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

Tired

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really wonder what are you doing? I mean, why? What purpose do you serve in the grand scheme of things? I've had one of those weeks. I believe it may be attributed to the beating that has been my job for the last 10 years, and that I feel very much that I am trapped. There seems to be no end in sight and people from all directions depend on me to carry the load. The sad part is when the people I depend on for a little relief let me down. I have carried the torch long enough that I am ready to pass it on to someone younger and more able than me. I cannot seem to find such a person. Every time I get a little spark of inspiration it is extinguished by the reality of the inconsistencies of human nature. If I can ever find a reliable person that will be here and be as dedicated as I have been, I will know it is finally time to move on. Hopefully when that day comes there will still be enough life left in me to do something meaningful.

Turkey Hangover

Thanksgiving has came and went. Today I'm settling back into my routine at work, dealing with phone calls, stupid questions, and ignorant customers. It's another day in the life of the transportation industry. I am missing my home terribly, and wishing I could have stayed a few more days. Make that weeks. Months. Scratch that. I want to move back. Life is so different there, as opposed to the stress and hustle of life here in Dallas. It peaceful there, mentally and spiritually. My kids even behave better. I think it has something to do with being able to run around outside and burn off that excess energy kids have. All in all, life is better there. Now if only I could find a creative way of making income there, and I'd be back in a second. It's the j-o-b that keeps me stuck here. I hate that I can't find a better way to make my living than this, but it does pay the bills. I also have a good employer, which is much more than can be said for a lot of people. I do count my blessings, and I am thankful. Human nature being what it is, I can't help but wish for something better.

Peaceful...

1023

October 23, 2012

9 years ago on this day, I married the love of my life. You might call her my soul mate, if you believe in such fairy tale concepts as true love. After all these years, I have learned that there is no possible way I could have ever picked someone more perfect for me. Sure, we have had our arguments, the same as any two human beings will if they spend enough time together. However, there is something beneath the surface of any argument that goes to the root of our relationship. Love, faith, whatever you want to call it, it permeates everything about "us" as a couple and there is an unbreakable bond between us. No, she is not perfect, and neither am I. WE are perfect for each other. In the end, that is all that matters. I thank God for her. She is better than I deserved, and although I don't tell her enough, I love her with all my heart as much as I could ever love anyone.

Moving On

Well after several years of working on it, I have finally decided to kill my website. In 41 days rebeldragon.com will be no more. I will keep the domain and may someday rebuild it, but for now I have lost interest in it. Work, life, kids, among other interests have provided little time for me to work on it and quite frankly I just don't have the money to keep it alive. I had hoped to generate some revenue with it, but due to lack of support from friends and family it is no longer feasible. My intention is not to post a long "woe is me" article, but I thought it to be an appropriate explanation as to the beginning of this new blog. Actually this is more of a revitalization of an old blog that was my main outlet prior to deciding to jump off into running my own website. So that being said, you can expect more of what was on my website to be recycled here for your amusement or mine, whichever applies.

Those of you that know me well, know how much I love music. I'll be posting a lot of videos of bands and music that I enjoy. No matter if you agree or disagree with my tastes, I'd love to hear from you.

So to begin our little trip, here's a video from Foxy Shazam.