Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

Family Man

Anyone that knows me is well aware of the gaggle of kids we have. My oldest, who just turned 18 last September. My stepdaughter, who will be 17 next month. Then the two little ones, 8 and 7. I don't need any more kids. I don't want any more kids. My wife is pregnant. I'd love my child, if all goes well and we have another. I love all my kids now. I never wanted any kids. I guess you could say that sounds horrible, but it is just the truth of what was. I was selfish and self-absorbed and I never wanted to have to give up my life to raise a family. Yet here I am. Doing the best I can. It's hard sometimes. Actually it's hard all the time. Our economy sucks right now. Making money in America isn't as easy as it used to be. It's not the best environment to have a baby. I'm also concerned for my wife. The last two pregnancies turned out to be miscarriages. After delivering three healthy and big babies, she had two back to back miscarriages. I feel something has to be wrong to cause that. I don't think it was pure coincidence. Now we're facing a third and I have no way to know if we aren't looking at going through the same thing. I feel horrible that I know deep in my heart that I don't really want another child. I know that logically, the two are not connected. I can't will away a child. Yet, I still feel like it is somehow my fault if something goes wrong. I don't know how this is going to end up, but I'm sure I'll be blogging about it here. To be continued...

My wife showed me this video this weekend. It seemed perfectly appropriate.