Thanksgiving Sea Legs

Well it's that time again. Time to update this little blog. This is actually my 3rd attempt at it tonight because for some stupid reason my tablet lost the other two. (User error, I'm sure.) I hope you can view this for what it is. I said I was going to be blogging more and I meant it. The fact that I'm mostly writing the same words 3 times now shows my commitment to getting it down. Did you doubt me?

I need this though. This blog is good for my soul. It helps me put things in perspective. It helps me to be thankful. Sometimes I need to be reminded. Thanksgiving Day was last week. I intended to blog that day, but instead I got a nasty stomach virus. I would have thought it was food poisoning but the wife and kids had it the week before. I assume my prior weekend home was enough exposure that it smacked me down. Great timing. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very thankful by the evening. I had a pretty terrible night actually. It carried over the next day as I was feeling exhausted and still needed to work, deliver a load and make it home. I spent most of Saturday in a half daze recovering and being a vegetable. This morning I was much more myself, both physically and mentally. The mind tends to wander into darker waters when the body breaks down. I'm thankful to have recovered. 

I guess it's good things worked out like they did. I'm feeling a little more thankful today. I wasn't much in the spirit on Thanksgiving Day. To be honest completely, I wasn't feeling it much this morning either. At one point, I made the comment that it's hard to enjoy the small things in life when they aren't ever where they should be. In retrospect, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. My family. We're not a picture perfect scene out of a Technicolor still frame, by any means. We're more like bathroom graffiti scrawled in a seedy bar in the bad part of town. But it's our mess, and it's it beautiful. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sometimes lights get left on. Dishes get put in the sink instead of the dishwasher. A favorite bath towel gets taken. Trash overflows. Litter boxes make messes. Laundry comes out of every corner of the house. You trip over shoes or toys. Fights happen. Noise gets made. Things break. And somewhere in the middle of it, love abides. We'll make it to the end of our story someday. That's for certain. The ending may not be what we want it to be, but the book will be written.

If life's an ocean, then the book is the story of how we sail it. I'm learning to ride the waves a little better. The sea may never calm, but I'm getting better at navigating it.

Thankfully, I have an amazing first mate to help me out. I'd be remiss not to mention that I'm thankful for my wife. We just celebrated 15 years of marriage back in October. It was more of a mile marker than a celebration to be honest. I'd love to have gone on some romantic vacation. I'm sure she would have too. Life had other plans. And that's what makes her amazing. She's here for the long haul. Wherever the ship sails, she's there when we drop anchor.

So yeah. I've got a lot to be thankful for. It's good to be reminded.

My mind is filled with ghosts
They're more than most of all my loves gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone when I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm living in a past life...

In a past life, too,
it's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes

No one said it would be easy
Sometimes it is hard to do
It isn't like the TV
You see the cold hard truth
And the things you see in movies
Just don't come true
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear your shoes

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
You have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear the shoes

What's been going on in my head?

10 Years Together

Ten years ago, I married the woman who I know will be my wife till the day I die. I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought at the time, it just seemed the right thing to do. We had been dating for several years, we lived together, and she was pregnant. I had no qualms about getting married to her. I loved her. She loved me. We were happy. Honestly, marriage just wasn't that big of a deal to me, since I had been married and divorced twice before. Those failed relationships had left a feeling of insignificance toward the whole institution of modern day marriage. Most don't last, most don't mean much of anything. I only wanted to get married for the sake of our kid, since there is this old ideology I got from my parents that tells me you're supposed to get married if you have kids and that's the best environment for them to grow up in. Oddly enough, after we were married, it seemed to mean a lot more to me. It wasn't about just the kid anymore. I guess it matters more when you marry someone that you actually enjoy being with and who you know is committed to being with you equally as much. So now, all this time later, I still feel very much like she was the right person for me to marry. Sure, we've had our fights. I've probably fought some of worst of my life with her. No, I'm sure I have. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I know we are meant to be together and work through all these issues. We've now had three children together, little ones that are both a blessing and a burden we share. Raising kids is hard work, don't let anyone tell you different. It's just a whole lot easier when you are able to do so with someone you love and loves you in return. Some days we may not like each other very much, but we will always love each other. I have no doubts of that. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I found something that is a rarity these days. I found a marriage partner that is not just a spouse, but a friend. She's my best friend. Ten years have flown by. I look forward to decades more. I love you.

Ermahgerd Nineteen

I told Jenn I was trying to think of something to write to Devon about his birthday. Then she told me she had already written to you, and what she had said. I laughed. True story son. So many moments of my life passed away from you, and yours from me. Yes, I was away a lot. I regret that part of it, that's about it. Sometimes people walk away from each other and sometimes you know that I just remember being your age. Life is a breath, short and simple. No one can take it away from you except yourself. You will live in whatever way you choose, just know that bonds of family can never be broken. Blood is thick. Go with God, and know that HE loves you as do I. Feels pretty different being away from your family. You'll learn what it's like, and you'll want to keep those lines open.

Welcome to being a man.

Pain of Mortality

Last week I read this article. Now today I saw this follow up. As a parent, I find this to be deeply heartbreaking. To bury a child would be the worst thing I can imagine ever having to do. To see it coming, and to know that you are helpless to stop it. I can't fathom the pain. I never want to know what that feels like. How these people are able to hold it together, I can only guess. I am aware of my own weakness, and I doubt my own ability to remain rational if this happened to our family. As a Christian, I can understand how things like this will cause people to question the existence of God. My point is not to delve into that debate, as I am fairly certain that unless you have a relationship with God, you cannot understand what it is to have HIS peace, which surpasses all human understanding, to carry you through times such as these. I only know that without that sort of strength to sustain me in times of trouble, there is no way for me to survive mentally or otherwise if such a fate were to befall my family. I am not sure if Logan's parents were Christian or not, all I know is that I will keep them in my prayers.

I had a son.

The rest of the news doesn't matter. I got a little blessing from God. His name is Jesse David Meineke.

He was born 7/11. You've probably seen his pictures on Facebook. I'm proud to be his Dad.

Hold on to the Memories

5/31/2013. My oldest son graduated high school.

It was a milestone moment. So many memories of my own childhood, and subsequent graduation flooding back. All the anxiety of being a new father. Reflections of this displayed on the face of my son's friend,  now facing the same challenge. Feelings of anticipation of the new found freedom from parents and teachers. Hopes and dreams of what is to come. Bittersweet parting of friends and rivals. A sense of accomplishment as the years of studious labor comes to fruition. Gratitude to his mother for having weathered the storms of his upbringing. All the wonderment of the future and the awareness of my own aging. The gray hairs of family members and the youthful vigor of the students in attendance. It is beautiful. Life, the progression.

The crowning moment for me was watching my son perform with a classmate the Cory Tynan cover "Hold on to the Memories" on stage in front of the assembly. It was flawless. It made me proud of him. As if I needed another reason. He's become a fine young man. He has his life ahead of him. He learned from my mistakes and didn't make the same. I hope that wisdom follows him all his days. I know he has the ability to prosper at anything he chooses to do. He seems to be on a path to follow a music career, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I love music, and I hope his talents carry him to all the far corners of the world. To all the places I would have liked to have traveled. Godspeed son. Go forth and be the man that you are.

Any donations will be appreciated and sent to Devon as a graduation gift.

Happy Birthday Ezra

Proverbs 19:18-20:

"Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again. Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise."

Ezra, my boy, I love you so. You have been one of the sources of my greatest joys. You also have been at times a true test of my patience. I know this is of no fault of your own. You are the wonderful little man that God created you to be, and are a reflection of the hot tempers of your mother and I. I pray that God will grant you peace and teach you to control the impulses of the flesh. Learn your lessons now young man, while life is still kind enough to offer you compromise. It doesn't get any easier. Know that my love and prayers are with you always. Love, Dad

Happy Birthday Anna

Music. I love music. I love my little girl. You are a little ray of sunshine in my life. I am so proud of how brilliant you are, how creative you are, and I know you will do great things. Never let the world tell you any different, and never worry about pleasing men. Open your heart to God and let him guide you. Love, Dad

Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

Family Man

Anyone that knows me is well aware of the gaggle of kids we have. My oldest, who just turned 18 last September. My stepdaughter, who will be 17 next month. Then the two little ones, 8 and 7. I don't need any more kids. I don't want any more kids. My wife is pregnant. I'd love my child, if all goes well and we have another. I love all my kids now. I never wanted any kids. I guess you could say that sounds horrible, but it is just the truth of what was. I was selfish and self-absorbed and I never wanted to have to give up my life to raise a family. Yet here I am. Doing the best I can. It's hard sometimes. Actually it's hard all the time. Our economy sucks right now. Making money in America isn't as easy as it used to be. It's not the best environment to have a baby. I'm also concerned for my wife. The last two pregnancies turned out to be miscarriages. After delivering three healthy and big babies, she had two back to back miscarriages. I feel something has to be wrong to cause that. I don't think it was pure coincidence. Now we're facing a third and I have no way to know if we aren't looking at going through the same thing. I feel horrible that I know deep in my heart that I don't really want another child. I know that logically, the two are not connected. I can't will away a child. Yet, I still feel like it is somehow my fault if something goes wrong. I don't know how this is going to end up, but I'm sure I'll be blogging about it here. To be continued...

My wife showed me this video this weekend. It seemed perfectly appropriate.