Hey Ya'll

 Yeah so it's been awhile since I've been on here. I should have never quit blogging but I guess I kind of got tired of the world for a season and needed to just tap out. Plus the idea of sharing all my thoughts all the time was becoming a little concerning with all the amount of intrusion, data collection, government snooping, etc. But then again, I don't have anything shady to hide so from the "powers that be" so what does it matter? I'm just a nobody as far as most of the world is concerned. I'm just another Gen X kid that never quite fully grew into an adult and now am muddling through life, trying to raise my own kids, feeling like I failed miserably most of the time, and doing the best that I can. 

Ok, so where are we? Well, my last post was a little on the negative side. Ok, so maybe I was a little upset. Depressed. Working through some things. That's what it was. It was a combination of things. I was burned out with work. Finances weren't where I wanted them to be due to work. My relationship with my wife wasn't in a good spot. Everything kind of came to a head. The bright side is, here I am. I've survived and we've worked through our issues, well, most of them anyway. Our relationship is a lot better and though I'm still burned out on work, and finances could be better, I'm not ready to eat a self-inflicted dose of lead.

I've also started a healing process. I didn't quite realize that's what I was doing, but in hindsight I can see the progression. For starters, I have finally been able to see the damage that hereditary alcoholism has had on my family. My dad was an alcoholic. There. I said it. He's finally sober. Which was part of the healing process I had to go through. Maybe at some point I'll go into details about that, but the fact that I'm even able to say it and see it now is a big deal. It was the elephant in the room when I was a kid. We all knew Dad had a drinking problem, but we dared not ever mention the "A" word or we knew he'd fly into a rage. 

So yeah. No excuses for my own bad behavior, but I can finally see how the toxicity had become a part of my life, and I was never aware of it, until I finally saw the damage I was doing to my family and myself. 

So the real MVP in all this? Jesus. I have made a real effort to finally give it all up and let Him take control. Have I still got a long way to go? You betcha. But I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 4 years ago when I last posted here. And so here I am. Here we are. If you're reading this, then stay tuned. I will be back blogging more often again and talking about some of these issues. Faith, healing, mental health. And as always, I'll throw in my 2 cents about the ongoing political issues of the day. If anyone is even interested. If not, I don't care. This is for my own therapy more than anything. 

Flying and feeling the ceiling

And barely dealing

And the faintest, the faintest of praises

Are too revealing

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

A fly-in at LA was open

I wasn't hoping for a win

I was hoping for freedom

You couldn't beat 'em

So you crumbled, you doubled your dosage

You wanna go, said the inhibitor blocking the passage

That thing is massive

And the sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

The sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

In a stage of grief so demanding

I got a stand-in

Every radio buzzing, it wasn't the dream of the moment

Wasn't the current that carried me, keeping me going

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Everyone suddenly busy

Suddenly dizzy

You're so easy, it's pushing you over

They're taking tours

Of a treacherous trip of the badlands

You have your demands

Maybe you're right, but nothing is just a bad hand

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Finally flying the ceiling

I see myself

And the revival, it suddenly hits me

It's going viral

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

But the days spent kicking the cages

Are too revealing

So committed to your misfortune

But still a cheater

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Wish you could be here

Letting Go

I've spent a lot of time trying to hold onto things. Money. Relationships. Jobs. Habits.

A couple weeks ago, I let go of my truck. I had been trying really hard to hang onto it until October when the last payment would be due. God had other plans. That's the part I've been trying to wrap my head around. I had wanted to be home with my wife and kids. I also wanted to get into a financial situation where I wasn't worried or stressed about paying bills. In my mind, the solution was to stick it out in the truck until it was paid for and then start looking for other drivers to add. Then this happened:

Someone at the shipper I was hauling from decided to knock a big hole in my trailer. On top of that, I was still having issues with the emission system on the truck. It was too much. I had struggled long enough. I didn't know what was going to happen or how it'd work out, but I knew I couldn't keep going. I needed to be home with my family. All the gold in the world wasn't worth the time I was losing with my kids and my wife. And this sort of stress was just more than I needed. I was near the point of cracking. So I gave it to God. 

Now here I am today. The insurance declared the trailer a total loss. I sold the truck for more than I owe on it. I found a replacement owner operator to take my spot on the insurance. I'm going to be okay financially. Most importantly, I'm home with my family every night again. That's a blessing.

Sometimes letting go is what we need in order to see the big picture. I'd never have gotten out of the truck if my trailer hadn't been hit. It was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. 

I'm ready to give it all over to Him. 

All the gold and the guns in the world

(couldn't get you off)

All the gold and the guns and the girls

(couldn't get you off)

All the boys, All the choices in the world

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

All the lace and the skin in the shop

(couldn't get you off)

All the toys and the tools in the box

(couldn't get you off)

All the noise, all the voices never stop

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Why you givin' me a hard time

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

More and more, more and more, more and more,

More and more and more and more, more and more.

America the Divided

Forgive me for not posting in awhile. I've been a little busy. I'll post an update about personal stuff a little later but for now I want to comment on other things. Part of the reason I haven't been posting, besides just being busy, is that I get so furious with the current state of affairs in our nation. So I would like to state my feelings/opinions on some of the current issues. Agree, disagree. Upvote, downvote. Share or unfollow. I don't care. I just need to get this off my chest. Feel free to comment below.

1) I don't like Hillary Clinton. She's a crook and a liar and I don't trust her. She should be in prison. 

2) I don't like Donald Trump either. He is too unpredictable and crude. He is too easily swayed. 

3) I am supremely disappointed that this is the best we could come up with. Our voters are ignorant. 

4) Bernie Sanders and/or Gary Johnson would not have been any better options. They are both kooky.

5) Yes, All Lives Matter. 

6) Yes, some Black Lives Matter people are pieces of garbage. 

7) Yes, some Black Lives Matter people have a legitimate complaint. Sometimes white people have made them feel less important or inferior. Some white people (KKK, neo-Nazis) are racist. 

8) Some black people can be racist also. (Black Panthers)

9) Despite the media hype and the propaganda from our (black) President, this is largely exaggerated and not a systematic problem.

10) Listening to the media and propaganda is making this become a problem (again) and I am concerned about our nation's future. 

11) I respect the police and can't imagine what they must be feeling right now. 

12) I respect our military. 

13) I have a deep distrust of our government and a seething hatred for D.C. politics/bureaucracy. 

14) I'm not an anarchist/extremist and I realize that a civilized society needs governance. 

15) I believe people should have the right to refuse to make a cake for a gay person if it conflicts with their religion and they own the business that makes said cakes. 

16) I think gays should have the right to get married if they want. Is it a free country or not? 

17) I think a person who works in a public office has the right to refuse to issue a marriage license to a gay person if it conflicts with their religious beliefs. 

18) I think the same office should still issue the marriage license albeit by another staff member. 

19) I don't think the person who refused should lose their job. 

20) I think there should be some supervisory discussions about how to handle this issue without a media circus. It's not that difficult. I can think of dozens of ways to handle this and I am certain most rational people could have done the same. 

21) Mainstream media is not about telling the truth and is about dividing us. That's the only reason this got so much attention. 

22) We need to stop falling for it. We are better than this. 

23) The bathroom law story is proof of media distortion. Do your homework. We were lied to. 

24) I believe that most people know what bathroom they should use and even if they are transitioning genders, they know. 

25) I think this debacle is more about the federal government seizing control over the states than it is about the rights of transgender. They were pawns in this mess, and have been used. 

26) Now that the hole has been dug, the only solution is going to be a third bathroom for transgender.

27) Even this would not make everyone happen. 

28) Sensible solutions won't happen and laws will be passed that will create more division and chaos. 

29) Federalism would squash these types of issues entirely but most people have no idea what that is. 

30) Our education system is failing us and we are becoming dumber as a nation.

31) This is either on purpose or coincidental depending on what conspiracy theory you believe. 

32) Regardless, we are able to change course and we don't have to fall into this pit. It's our choice.

33) I support your right to trash talk my country and not stand during the national anthem.

34) I'm going to call you a piece of shit and refuse to support you in every way I possibly can. 

35) Both are examples of freedom. 

36) I believe that people have done terrible things in the name of religion.

37) I believe that people have done some incredibly kind things in the name of religion.

38) I don't believe all Muslims are terrorists. 

39) I believe (most) terrorists are Muslim. 

40) I don't think it's unreasonable to halt immigration until a better vetting process is established.

41) Despite propaganda, this isn't "anti-American" and in fact has historical precedent. 

42) I don't believe there is a job in existence that an American "won't do." 

43) We don't need immigration anyway, unless we need to fill jobs. Skilled workers. Doctors. Scientists. Engineers. Teachers. Etc. Immigration is supposed to enrich our culture, not import one. 

44) There's a job shortage. We have an immigrant surplus. Time to shut off the supply. 

45) Nothing about this position is racist or unkind. It's pro-American. 

46) I care about my fellow citizens first and foremost. If you don't love America, then leave. At the very least shut up and enjoy the bounty of tremendous opportunity you have here and be respectful of the rest of us that love our country.

47) It's insanity to bring in massive numbers of refugees from countries where terrorists have embedded themselves and declared they will exploit this process.

48) I believe we can still provide humanitarian support to the refugees, albeit in their own countries by creating "safe zones" protected by our military forces along with coalition support. 

49) If you are in college and think you need a "safe zone" because your feelings are hurt or you are "triggered" by something someone said, you should be sent to Syria for a few days to see what the need for a safe place really looks like. For crying out loud, grow a set.

50) I support the second amendment. Yes, I am angry at the senseless shootings. Know how to stop them? Arm yourselves. The bad guys are always going to get guns. Learn to shoot back. Gun free zones don't work. Police can't be everywhere. To the kids at UT protesting campus carry with sex toys, which would you rather have if a shooter came to your classroom? A dildo or a handgun? 

God help us. 

Ring Around the Rosie

*breath in*

It's good to pause sometimes. How often do we lose ourselves in the daily routine? I know I've lost at least 15 years to it. Time. It's all we have. Evaluate every second. What you DO is what matters. Not what you HAVE. It's taken me a while to learn that. It's terribly true though. As for all rest of the chaos in the world? Yes, we have race issues again. Yes we have religious wars. Yes we have genocides. Yes we have economic problems. Yes we have every despicable moral issue under the sun.

Does this change anything? Do what YOU can do. Forget the rest of the world. It's out of your control; beyond your scope of influence. That pretty much sums up the political scene these days.

As for the personal world:

1) Trying and succeeding in starting my own business.
2) Becoming a better version of me.
3) Remain humble. I almost lost someone very dear to me. I'd rather it have been me.

Life is precious.

Those are my goals/current life statements.

<3 you all.

Thoughts in Space.

Thoughts. That's the golden nugget. You know? The thing that's like "My Precious." That thing you hold on to. I mean, people can dig into every part of your life nowadays. The internet means no more privacy. Just accept it. You will stand before God... but I digress. The point is, that thoughts cannot be contained. You can't stop Human Thought. That's the one thing. They can definitely silence you. That's a given. Yet they can never really get inside your head. That's what makes true friendship something special. It's when you know someone is in your head with you, in that space. You're not alone. That's the revolution. That's the "anonymous" spirit that's out there. You can argue it's means and methods, but you have to understand it's goal and ambitions. Same can be true for every sect or belief system. You'll know if it's good or bad by it's fruit. They say not to choose sides in this world today, but really there's only one or the other. I choose life. Freedom. Even if by death. Why was Robin Williams death so significant? Was it because we couldn't believe he was dead at such a young age? Uh. No. Hell no. Robin Williams was a Hollywood wackadoo party guy. He was hilarious. He made jokes that hit at the heart of every aspect of that era's pop culture. He was a comic genius. He also partied a lot. He did a lot of drugs. We always kind of were surprised to see he was doing so well in spite of it all. He was famous.It was the fact that he took his own life. Joan Rivers just died. I am hardly as struck. It's that Robin Williams was supposed to be one of the people that had it all together, but he didn't He fell apart in the golden years, when it should have been about legacy. Same can be said for a lot of the Hollywood crowd. So all that fame? What's it worth? Absolutely nothing besides what the crowd remembers of it. Whitney Houston? Crack whore. Do they remember her music? Some do. Will "THEY" remember it forever? Nope. It'll be forgotten completely. They'll just remember she died as a druggie. Eventually even Kurt will suffer the same. It doesn't matter, what matters to me is the "time" of my life that it was. The friends I made. The lives I touched.

I love you all.

Devon, happy birthday Son. I love you. I miss you.

Jim, bro. So glad we ran into each other again. Much love, may this banter never end.

May Bug

So yeah. I've skipped a lot of major stuff. The thing is, I am afraid of blogging the truth. Sure, sit down with me face to face and I'll tell you anything. It's just hard to know what I should put out there on the internet. Then I think about it a little and I realized that pretty much anything I've ever said or done is already out there, so I may as well be honest about who I am. I'll have to stand before God and it will be all seen. See, that's my reality check. People want to bash on religion, but the right one can lead to peace. That's my religion. I seek truth, and righteousness. I am also outstandingly reminded of how short I fall. So I pray to be lifted up when I fall short and I will always do my best to lift up my fallen brother. I don't wish to tear down. I want to share love, peace, brotherhood. Yes, especially with the Muslims, so get off them. Love them.

Pain of Mortality

Last week I read this article. Now today I saw this follow up. As a parent, I find this to be deeply heartbreaking. To bury a child would be the worst thing I can imagine ever having to do. To see it coming, and to know that you are helpless to stop it. I can't fathom the pain. I never want to know what that feels like. How these people are able to hold it together, I can only guess. I am aware of my own weakness, and I doubt my own ability to remain rational if this happened to our family. As a Christian, I can understand how things like this will cause people to question the existence of God. My point is not to delve into that debate, as I am fairly certain that unless you have a relationship with God, you cannot understand what it is to have HIS peace, which surpasses all human understanding, to carry you through times such as these. I only know that without that sort of strength to sustain me in times of trouble, there is no way for me to survive mentally or otherwise if such a fate were to befall my family. I am not sure if Logan's parents were Christian or not, all I know is that I will keep them in my prayers.

Parenting 101 Whatever

Kids are gonna be kids. They will break your things. They will trash things you wanted to mean something to them. They will break your heart. However, you love them deeply. And you miss them when they are gone.

<3 you guys.

Things of Great Importance

Psalm 38

The world is in chaos. If you cannot see it, you are oblivious. The weather, politics, etc.

Wrath is coming. 

Psalm 136 

There's a solution. 

Islam will not stop marching. The New World Order has arrived. 

Welcome to 2013

As the month draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past few weeks and how much has transpired just since the new year rolled in. New Year's Day came and went without any significance that I was aware of, yet the world seems to have spiraled into a vortex of insanity since then. Fiscal cliffs, school shootings, gun control, and the threat of war looming overhead seem to have become the norm. It seems blatantly prophetic, if one has spent any time studying Biblical descriptions of the last days. Of course, to say such a thing relegates my opinion to the dark corners of societal condemnation. I'm crazy, so they would say. Maybe so, but I'm not walking around shooting people either. Not yet anyways.

Election 2012

Barack Obama has been reelected as the president of the United States of America. This entire election cycle has been extremely nasty and divisive. I truly hope Americans will pull together and that our country will turn course and become the beacon to the world that it once was. I am not overly optimistic about it.

Frankenstorm

I'm at work today watching the news about Hurricane Sandy, which has been dubbed "Frankenstorm" due to the freakish nature of the storm itself and the timing of it hitting land on 10/30, just prior to Halloween. There's a lot to take in here. It is a freak storm. Basically a hurricane is colliding with some huge winter storm and is going to create a monster. It has the entire nation paying attention and the news is awash with reports and predictions. It's been a long time since anything like this hit the east coast. Maybe it's a first. I think this thing is somewhat prophetic. Some will say I'm crazy. I'm okay with that. All that I know is that we, as a nation, have fallen very far away from the Christian principles it was founded on. I think God is trying to wake us up. Call it what you will, but it's significant to me that it is hitting land before the biggest election we have had in our nation, probably since the days of the Civil War, AND it is right before the largest pagan holiday we celebrate here. I think a message is being sent. Time to wake up America, before it's too late.