Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

12:12 12/12/12

I just got back from a business trip to Chattanooga. I wish I could tell you that it was filled with adventures and riches beyond imagination, but this is Tennessee we're talking about. The closest I got to adventure was at least temporarily contemplating an attempt to score some moonshine. That being said, I did pass a milestone on the way back to Dallas. That moment in time passed and will never be duplicated. That moment was 12:12 12/12/12 as I have titled this post. In this day and age, there is much speculation about the end of the world and people are constantly jabbering about the Mayan calendar. It's all a bunch of hogwash and hooey, if you ask me. However, I will say that I think we are nearing the "Last Days" as mentioned in the Bible.  I just don't think it will have anything to do with Mayans or any special days of men.  God's on his clock, not ours. Any way you slice it, these are some interesting times to be alive.

Tired

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really wonder what are you doing? I mean, why? What purpose do you serve in the grand scheme of things? I've had one of those weeks. I believe it may be attributed to the beating that has been my job for the last 10 years, and that I feel very much that I am trapped. There seems to be no end in sight and people from all directions depend on me to carry the load. The sad part is when the people I depend on for a little relief let me down. I have carried the torch long enough that I am ready to pass it on to someone younger and more able than me. I cannot seem to find such a person. Every time I get a little spark of inspiration it is extinguished by the reality of the inconsistencies of human nature. If I can ever find a reliable person that will be here and be as dedicated as I have been, I will know it is finally time to move on. Hopefully when that day comes there will still be enough life left in me to do something meaningful.