Sante Fe School Shooting

It's been awhile. No, not awhile since we had a school shooting. I wish that were true, but sadly it's not. What I mean is it's been awhile since I blogged anything. Partly because I've just been very busy running my company, but mostly because I needed a break from social media. There's been so much hate and vitriol being spilled in every corner of the internet, it was just too much. I didn't want to lose myself in all the negative energy.

In the wake of another school shooting, all the usual arguments are at play. On one side are the people screaming for gun control, and on the other side you have people screaming for more guns.

Personally, I find myself in the middle of the debate. In the interest of full disclosure, I'll tell you that I own guns. I live in Texas. I am not a member of the NRA, nor do I own an assault rifle. I wouldn't mind having one, but I just haven't needed one or wanted to spend the money on one. I'll probably buy one at some point, just for the collector aspect.  Bottom line, I support gun rights and the 2nd Ammendment. That being said, if you're still reading, here's where I break away from the typical gun rights crowd...Where were the parents?

This wasn't an assault weapon. This was a kid who took his dad's shotgun and revolver. An assault ban wouldn't have stopped him. A background check wouldn't have atopped him. You know what would have? Attentive parents who knew they had a mentally unwell child, and a responsible gun owner who had his weapons secured and accounted for. The kid definitely needs to be held to account, but so does the father. He allowed his weapons to get into the hands of his child. I don't want to dismiss the fact that I know he probably feels horrible, but his regret doesn't make it right and it won't ease the pain of the parents who lost their children. He was criminally negligent. Some states have laws about this, some don't, and they are all over the place. I'm sure this wouldn't stop these types of shootings 100%, but it would be a step in the right direction. And who else would be most likely to spot a troubled child if not the parents? They are the first line of defense, and the first who should be accountable. Evil never sleeps.

Pain of Mortality

Last week I read this article. Now today I saw this follow up. As a parent, I find this to be deeply heartbreaking. To bury a child would be the worst thing I can imagine ever having to do. To see it coming, and to know that you are helpless to stop it. I can't fathom the pain. I never want to know what that feels like. How these people are able to hold it together, I can only guess. I am aware of my own weakness, and I doubt my own ability to remain rational if this happened to our family. As a Christian, I can understand how things like this will cause people to question the existence of God. My point is not to delve into that debate, as I am fairly certain that unless you have a relationship with God, you cannot understand what it is to have HIS peace, which surpasses all human understanding, to carry you through times such as these. I only know that without that sort of strength to sustain me in times of trouble, there is no way for me to survive mentally or otherwise if such a fate were to befall my family. I am not sure if Logan's parents were Christian or not, all I know is that I will keep them in my prayers.

Parenting 101 Whatever

Kids are gonna be kids. They will break your things. They will trash things you wanted to mean something to them. They will break your heart. However, you love them deeply. And you miss them when they are gone.

<3 you guys.

Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

Tired

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really wonder what are you doing? I mean, why? What purpose do you serve in the grand scheme of things? I've had one of those weeks. I believe it may be attributed to the beating that has been my job for the last 10 years, and that I feel very much that I am trapped. There seems to be no end in sight and people from all directions depend on me to carry the load. The sad part is when the people I depend on for a little relief let me down. I have carried the torch long enough that I am ready to pass it on to someone younger and more able than me. I cannot seem to find such a person. Every time I get a little spark of inspiration it is extinguished by the reality of the inconsistencies of human nature. If I can ever find a reliable person that will be here and be as dedicated as I have been, I will know it is finally time to move on. Hopefully when that day comes there will still be enough life left in me to do something meaningful.

Election 2012

Barack Obama has been reelected as the president of the United States of America. This entire election cycle has been extremely nasty and divisive. I truly hope Americans will pull together and that our country will turn course and become the beacon to the world that it once was. I am not overly optimistic about it.

Family Man

Anyone that knows me is well aware of the gaggle of kids we have. My oldest, who just turned 18 last September. My stepdaughter, who will be 17 next month. Then the two little ones, 8 and 7. I don't need any more kids. I don't want any more kids. My wife is pregnant. I'd love my child, if all goes well and we have another. I love all my kids now. I never wanted any kids. I guess you could say that sounds horrible, but it is just the truth of what was. I was selfish and self-absorbed and I never wanted to have to give up my life to raise a family. Yet here I am. Doing the best I can. It's hard sometimes. Actually it's hard all the time. Our economy sucks right now. Making money in America isn't as easy as it used to be. It's not the best environment to have a baby. I'm also concerned for my wife. The last two pregnancies turned out to be miscarriages. After delivering three healthy and big babies, she had two back to back miscarriages. I feel something has to be wrong to cause that. I don't think it was pure coincidence. Now we're facing a third and I have no way to know if we aren't looking at going through the same thing. I feel horrible that I know deep in my heart that I don't really want another child. I know that logically, the two are not connected. I can't will away a child. Yet, I still feel like it is somehow my fault if something goes wrong. I don't know how this is going to end up, but I'm sure I'll be blogging about it here. To be continued...

My wife showed me this video this weekend. It seemed perfectly appropriate.