Hey Ya'll

 Yeah so it's been awhile since I've been on here. I should have never quit blogging but I guess I kind of got tired of the world for a season and needed to just tap out. Plus the idea of sharing all my thoughts all the time was becoming a little concerning with all the amount of intrusion, data collection, government snooping, etc. But then again, I don't have anything shady to hide so from the "powers that be" so what does it matter? I'm just a nobody as far as most of the world is concerned. I'm just another Gen X kid that never quite fully grew into an adult and now am muddling through life, trying to raise my own kids, feeling like I failed miserably most of the time, and doing the best that I can. 

Ok, so where are we? Well, my last post was a little on the negative side. Ok, so maybe I was a little upset. Depressed. Working through some things. That's what it was. It was a combination of things. I was burned out with work. Finances weren't where I wanted them to be due to work. My relationship with my wife wasn't in a good spot. Everything kind of came to a head. The bright side is, here I am. I've survived and we've worked through our issues, well, most of them anyway. Our relationship is a lot better and though I'm still burned out on work, and finances could be better, I'm not ready to eat a self-inflicted dose of lead.

I've also started a healing process. I didn't quite realize that's what I was doing, but in hindsight I can see the progression. For starters, I have finally been able to see the damage that hereditary alcoholism has had on my family. My dad was an alcoholic. There. I said it. He's finally sober. Which was part of the healing process I had to go through. Maybe at some point I'll go into details about that, but the fact that I'm even able to say it and see it now is a big deal. It was the elephant in the room when I was a kid. We all knew Dad had a drinking problem, but we dared not ever mention the "A" word or we knew he'd fly into a rage. 

So yeah. No excuses for my own bad behavior, but I can finally see how the toxicity had become a part of my life, and I was never aware of it, until I finally saw the damage I was doing to my family and myself. 

So the real MVP in all this? Jesus. I have made a real effort to finally give it all up and let Him take control. Have I still got a long way to go? You betcha. But I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 4 years ago when I last posted here. And so here I am. Here we are. If you're reading this, then stay tuned. I will be back blogging more often again and talking about some of these issues. Faith, healing, mental health. And as always, I'll throw in my 2 cents about the ongoing political issues of the day. If anyone is even interested. If not, I don't care. This is for my own therapy more than anything. 

Flying and feeling the ceiling

And barely dealing

And the faintest, the faintest of praises

Are too revealing

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

A fly-in at LA was open

I wasn't hoping for a win

I was hoping for freedom

You couldn't beat 'em

So you crumbled, you doubled your dosage

You wanna go, said the inhibitor blocking the passage

That thing is massive

And the sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

The sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

In a stage of grief so demanding

I got a stand-in

Every radio buzzing, it wasn't the dream of the moment

Wasn't the current that carried me, keeping me going

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Everyone suddenly busy

Suddenly dizzy

You're so easy, it's pushing you over

They're taking tours

Of a treacherous trip of the badlands

You have your demands

Maybe you're right, but nothing is just a bad hand

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Finally flying the ceiling

I see myself

And the revival, it suddenly hits me

It's going viral

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

But the days spent kicking the cages

Are too revealing

So committed to your misfortune

But still a cheater

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Wish you could be here

Ring Around the Rosie

*breath in*

It's good to pause sometimes. How often do we lose ourselves in the daily routine? I know I've lost at least 15 years to it. Time. It's all we have. Evaluate every second. What you DO is what matters. Not what you HAVE. It's taken me a while to learn that. It's terribly true though. As for all rest of the chaos in the world? Yes, we have race issues again. Yes we have religious wars. Yes we have genocides. Yes we have economic problems. Yes we have every despicable moral issue under the sun.

Does this change anything? Do what YOU can do. Forget the rest of the world. It's out of your control; beyond your scope of influence. That pretty much sums up the political scene these days.

As for the personal world:

1) Trying and succeeding in starting my own business.
2) Becoming a better version of me.
3) Remain humble. I almost lost someone very dear to me. I'd rather it have been me.

Life is precious.

Those are my goals/current life statements.

<3 you all.

Thoughts in Space.

Thoughts. That's the golden nugget. You know? The thing that's like "My Precious." That thing you hold on to. I mean, people can dig into every part of your life nowadays. The internet means no more privacy. Just accept it. You will stand before God... but I digress. The point is, that thoughts cannot be contained. You can't stop Human Thought. That's the one thing. They can definitely silence you. That's a given. Yet they can never really get inside your head. That's what makes true friendship something special. It's when you know someone is in your head with you, in that space. You're not alone. That's the revolution. That's the "anonymous" spirit that's out there. You can argue it's means and methods, but you have to understand it's goal and ambitions. Same can be true for every sect or belief system. You'll know if it's good or bad by it's fruit. They say not to choose sides in this world today, but really there's only one or the other. I choose life. Freedom. Even if by death. Why was Robin Williams death so significant? Was it because we couldn't believe he was dead at such a young age? Uh. No. Hell no. Robin Williams was a Hollywood wackadoo party guy. He was hilarious. He made jokes that hit at the heart of every aspect of that era's pop culture. He was a comic genius. He also partied a lot. He did a lot of drugs. We always kind of were surprised to see he was doing so well in spite of it all. He was famous.It was the fact that he took his own life. Joan Rivers just died. I am hardly as struck. It's that Robin Williams was supposed to be one of the people that had it all together, but he didn't He fell apart in the golden years, when it should have been about legacy. Same can be said for a lot of the Hollywood crowd. So all that fame? What's it worth? Absolutely nothing besides what the crowd remembers of it. Whitney Houston? Crack whore. Do they remember her music? Some do. Will "THEY" remember it forever? Nope. It'll be forgotten completely. They'll just remember she died as a druggie. Eventually even Kurt will suffer the same. It doesn't matter, what matters to me is the "time" of my life that it was. The friends I made. The lives I touched.

I love you all.

Devon, happy birthday Son. I love you. I miss you.

Jim, bro. So glad we ran into each other again. Much love, may this banter never end.