Hey Ya'll

 Yeah so it's been awhile since I've been on here. I should have never quit blogging but I guess I kind of got tired of the world for a season and needed to just tap out. Plus the idea of sharing all my thoughts all the time was becoming a little concerning with all the amount of intrusion, data collection, government snooping, etc. But then again, I don't have anything shady to hide so from the "powers that be" so what does it matter? I'm just a nobody as far as most of the world is concerned. I'm just another Gen X kid that never quite fully grew into an adult and now am muddling through life, trying to raise my own kids, feeling like I failed miserably most of the time, and doing the best that I can. 

Ok, so where are we? Well, my last post was a little on the negative side. Ok, so maybe I was a little upset. Depressed. Working through some things. That's what it was. It was a combination of things. I was burned out with work. Finances weren't where I wanted them to be due to work. My relationship with my wife wasn't in a good spot. Everything kind of came to a head. The bright side is, here I am. I've survived and we've worked through our issues, well, most of them anyway. Our relationship is a lot better and though I'm still burned out on work, and finances could be better, I'm not ready to eat a self-inflicted dose of lead.

I've also started a healing process. I didn't quite realize that's what I was doing, but in hindsight I can see the progression. For starters, I have finally been able to see the damage that hereditary alcoholism has had on my family. My dad was an alcoholic. There. I said it. He's finally sober. Which was part of the healing process I had to go through. Maybe at some point I'll go into details about that, but the fact that I'm even able to say it and see it now is a big deal. It was the elephant in the room when I was a kid. We all knew Dad had a drinking problem, but we dared not ever mention the "A" word or we knew he'd fly into a rage. 

So yeah. No excuses for my own bad behavior, but I can finally see how the toxicity had become a part of my life, and I was never aware of it, until I finally saw the damage I was doing to my family and myself. 

So the real MVP in all this? Jesus. I have made a real effort to finally give it all up and let Him take control. Have I still got a long way to go? You betcha. But I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 4 years ago when I last posted here. And so here I am. Here we are. If you're reading this, then stay tuned. I will be back blogging more often again and talking about some of these issues. Faith, healing, mental health. And as always, I'll throw in my 2 cents about the ongoing political issues of the day. If anyone is even interested. If not, I don't care. This is for my own therapy more than anything. 

Flying and feeling the ceiling

And barely dealing

And the faintest, the faintest of praises

Are too revealing

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

A fly-in at LA was open

I wasn't hoping for a win

I was hoping for freedom

You couldn't beat 'em

So you crumbled, you doubled your dosage

You wanna go, said the inhibitor blocking the passage

That thing is massive

And the sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

The sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

In a stage of grief so demanding

I got a stand-in

Every radio buzzing, it wasn't the dream of the moment

Wasn't the current that carried me, keeping me going

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Everyone suddenly busy

Suddenly dizzy

You're so easy, it's pushing you over

They're taking tours

Of a treacherous trip of the badlands

You have your demands

Maybe you're right, but nothing is just a bad hand

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Finally flying the ceiling

I see myself

And the revival, it suddenly hits me

It's going viral

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

But the days spent kicking the cages

Are too revealing

So committed to your misfortune

But still a cheater

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Wish you could be here

Phonyvirus 2020

So yeah. It's been awhile. As I type this, we're still in the middle of the "great plague" of 2020. Coronavirus aka COVID-19 has everything shutdown. Our economy is collapsing. A lot of people have died, about 122K worldwide as of today's official count. That number was supposed to be a lot higher but for reasons one or the other, it's a lot less. I won't go into the minutia of why or what I speculate, but let's just say it hasn't brought us together as a society any more than before. We're as divided as ever. It seems like if you have anything positive to say about Trump or anything he's done, suddenly you're lumped in with the Trump cult crowd, or if you have anything negative to say you're a hater. It's like people have completely forgotten there's a middle ground and both things can be true. I like some of what he's done, and hate other things about what he says and does. It's not all black and white, but that's just how I see it. I have a duplicity in my nature.

In that vein, I'll move on to the bulk of my post. I'm done with pretending to be something or someone I'm not. The last few years have given me a lot of clarity on things that I didn't see before. The last year in particular. People I once thought were friends have drifted away or outright stopped talking to me because I don't agree with them on every political point. I had to get off Facebook. Every day I found myself getting pissed off at someone or something and I just don't need that in my life. I have enough stress and things to worry about. I'm tired of trying to keep people happy or be some image of something that I'm not to please those who at the end of the day, don't really give a shit anyway. I'm tired of trying to please people who can't be pleased. Be bitter, I refuse.

That's why I had walked away from this blog. There was a time when I thought maybe I wanted to find ways to monetize or at least raise my profile in social media. I've been toying with finishing a book and getting it published, so hey, why not right? A good social media presence would be a good thing, right? That may be true, but I've reached a point where I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. Love me or leave me. I've been hiding too much and painting pictures that are more surrealism than realistic. I'm done with that. My last post about our camping trip? It was bullshit. I mean, yeah, those events happened. And I truly do hope my kids will have good memories about it. But for me, it was a disaster. I feel like I threw away a lot of money on a trip that nobody appreciated. Maybe the kids will someday, but outside of the little one, it sure didn't seem like it at the time. There was a lot of bitching, fighting, complaining, and all around bad attitudes. And the pic of the Lincoln Memorial? You know what I remember about it? I remember trying to get a picture with my loving wife in front of the reflecting pool along with all the other loving couples and basically getting into a fight about it instead. The one lasting memory I have is a fight with the person who is supposed to be my ride or die. I know I'll never be back there again. I'll never have another opportunity to take that pic, and she burned it to the ground. That's my memory. I remember going home still bitter and angry. I should have posted honestly about it, but I didn't want to create a negative image. I don't care anymore. I'm calling it like I see it. I appreciate someone pointing this out to me and giving me motivation to rectify myself. I like blogging. I just don't like being a phony.

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I live a picture in my head

Colours soaring as I float up with my body in my bed, yeah

And I wonder if I'm dead

Saw the white light flicker so I wake up in a sweat; code red

Sirens going off, probably something that I dreamt

Thinking 'bout the shit I never told you that I meant

I can't shake it off, chloroform, peace and rest

But you know all I ever really wanted was a friend

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

Late night fantasy, it's when I teleport again

I got a spare key, we can and go and play pretend

(We can go and play pretend, yeah)

We can really transcend, no (We can really transcend, yeah)

You and me in an empty room

They can't get in, only room for two

If you play your part and I play mine, too

I'll never take my eyes off you

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

I love the picture in my head

But I know that it's not real

I live a picture in my head

'Cause I like how it makes me feel

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

What's been going on in my head?

Quality vs. Quantity

http://t.co/mnXQZPubKE

— Rebel Dragon (@RebelDragon1976) November 2, 2013

Oh yeah.

I turned 37. June 17th. Today the Pixies gave me this. 14 days late, but I'll take it.

Parenting 101 Whatever

Kids are gonna be kids. They will break your things. They will trash things you wanted to mean something to them. They will break your heart. However, you love them deeply. And you miss them when they are gone.

<3 you guys.

Melancholy

1. mel·an·chol·y  

   /ˈmelənˌkälē/
   

   Noun A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness.

   Adjective Sad, gloomy, or depressed.

   Synonyms noun.   sadness - melancholia - gloom - sorrow - dejection adjective.   sad - gloomy - melancholic - mournful - dismal - blue

I've always liked that word. I find that I use it a lot when I write. WHEN I write. Which is where I'm heading with this. I think I subconsciously have been using that word because it is something I have felt for some time. How long exactly, I'm not sure. Yet I can no longer overlook that little nagging feeling that something is missing. It's the little subtle hints that have been a constant barrage almost daily. Fortunately, I'm becoming aware of this. Sometimes a song sets it off. Maybe it's an image. Whatever it is that causes my senses to awaken, I am realizing that I must continue to create. It doesn't matter if it's writing or music, my mind must have an outlet. I cannot continue to shut off the flow of ideas or it will slowly kill me. I think that over the last decade I have let myself slip off into complacency, which I have nobody to blame but myself, but I can attribute to no longer being in a band and no longer writing as I used to. My website never got off the ground as I had hoped, partly because I didn't have the time to dedicate to it as it would have required, and partly because the pressure of trying to make it into something decent was stymieing any creative energy that I may have been able to expend on it. So after the music shut off, and the website became a bust, I shut down. It had been a process that was taking place gradually, but that was the final straw more or less. Since then, I've struggled to force myself to write a little blog post here each month. Yesterday, in the middle of a hurried workday, I had one of those little moments of awakening. I heard a song. It got stuck in my head. I listened to it a half a dozen times, and again this morning coming to work. So now I am feeling like I need to start writing again. A lot. I should not let my thoughts go. They should go here, on a blog that is free. So I have no pressure to pay for it, or try and generate revenue off of it. It's just for me. My outlet. That feels right. Maybe along the way, I can finally let go of this job that has been killing me as well. I don't know how exactly to pull it off, but I must find a way to provide for my family that doesn't consume me. I am more than my job. I am more than the amount of money I bring home each week. After all, in the end, the job won't matter at all. It will only be the things that I have written that will live on in the memories of those that knew me. No one will care what my income was when I'm gone. I need to remember that now, while I'm alive.