Hey Ya'll

 Yeah so it's been awhile since I've been on here. I should have never quit blogging but I guess I kind of got tired of the world for a season and needed to just tap out. Plus the idea of sharing all my thoughts all the time was becoming a little concerning with all the amount of intrusion, data collection, government snooping, etc. But then again, I don't have anything shady to hide so from the "powers that be" so what does it matter? I'm just a nobody as far as most of the world is concerned. I'm just another Gen X kid that never quite fully grew into an adult and now am muddling through life, trying to raise my own kids, feeling like I failed miserably most of the time, and doing the best that I can. 

Ok, so where are we? Well, my last post was a little on the negative side. Ok, so maybe I was a little upset. Depressed. Working through some things. That's what it was. It was a combination of things. I was burned out with work. Finances weren't where I wanted them to be due to work. My relationship with my wife wasn't in a good spot. Everything kind of came to a head. The bright side is, here I am. I've survived and we've worked through our issues, well, most of them anyway. Our relationship is a lot better and though I'm still burned out on work, and finances could be better, I'm not ready to eat a self-inflicted dose of lead.

I've also started a healing process. I didn't quite realize that's what I was doing, but in hindsight I can see the progression. For starters, I have finally been able to see the damage that hereditary alcoholism has had on my family. My dad was an alcoholic. There. I said it. He's finally sober. Which was part of the healing process I had to go through. Maybe at some point I'll go into details about that, but the fact that I'm even able to say it and see it now is a big deal. It was the elephant in the room when I was a kid. We all knew Dad had a drinking problem, but we dared not ever mention the "A" word or we knew he'd fly into a rage. 

So yeah. No excuses for my own bad behavior, but I can finally see how the toxicity had become a part of my life, and I was never aware of it, until I finally saw the damage I was doing to my family and myself. 

So the real MVP in all this? Jesus. I have made a real effort to finally give it all up and let Him take control. Have I still got a long way to go? You betcha. But I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 4 years ago when I last posted here. And so here I am. Here we are. If you're reading this, then stay tuned. I will be back blogging more often again and talking about some of these issues. Faith, healing, mental health. And as always, I'll throw in my 2 cents about the ongoing political issues of the day. If anyone is even interested. If not, I don't care. This is for my own therapy more than anything. 

Flying and feeling the ceiling

And barely dealing

And the faintest, the faintest of praises

Are too revealing

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

A fly-in at LA was open

I wasn't hoping for a win

I was hoping for freedom

You couldn't beat 'em

So you crumbled, you doubled your dosage

You wanna go, said the inhibitor blocking the passage

That thing is massive

And the sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

The sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

In a stage of grief so demanding

I got a stand-in

Every radio buzzing, it wasn't the dream of the moment

Wasn't the current that carried me, keeping me going

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Everyone suddenly busy

Suddenly dizzy

You're so easy, it's pushing you over

They're taking tours

Of a treacherous trip of the badlands

You have your demands

Maybe you're right, but nothing is just a bad hand

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Finally flying the ceiling

I see myself

And the revival, it suddenly hits me

It's going viral

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

But the days spent kicking the cages

Are too revealing

So committed to your misfortune

But still a cheater

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Wish you could be here

Phonyvirus 2020

So yeah. It's been awhile. As I type this, we're still in the middle of the "great plague" of 2020. Coronavirus aka COVID-19 has everything shutdown. Our economy is collapsing. A lot of people have died, about 122K worldwide as of today's official count. That number was supposed to be a lot higher but for reasons one or the other, it's a lot less. I won't go into the minutia of why or what I speculate, but let's just say it hasn't brought us together as a society any more than before. We're as divided as ever. It seems like if you have anything positive to say about Trump or anything he's done, suddenly you're lumped in with the Trump cult crowd, or if you have anything negative to say you're a hater. It's like people have completely forgotten there's a middle ground and both things can be true. I like some of what he's done, and hate other things about what he says and does. It's not all black and white, but that's just how I see it. I have a duplicity in my nature.

In that vein, I'll move on to the bulk of my post. I'm done with pretending to be something or someone I'm not. The last few years have given me a lot of clarity on things that I didn't see before. The last year in particular. People I once thought were friends have drifted away or outright stopped talking to me because I don't agree with them on every political point. I had to get off Facebook. Every day I found myself getting pissed off at someone or something and I just don't need that in my life. I have enough stress and things to worry about. I'm tired of trying to keep people happy or be some image of something that I'm not to please those who at the end of the day, don't really give a shit anyway. I'm tired of trying to please people who can't be pleased. Be bitter, I refuse.

That's why I had walked away from this blog. There was a time when I thought maybe I wanted to find ways to monetize or at least raise my profile in social media. I've been toying with finishing a book and getting it published, so hey, why not right? A good social media presence would be a good thing, right? That may be true, but I've reached a point where I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. Love me or leave me. I've been hiding too much and painting pictures that are more surrealism than realistic. I'm done with that. My last post about our camping trip? It was bullshit. I mean, yeah, those events happened. And I truly do hope my kids will have good memories about it. But for me, it was a disaster. I feel like I threw away a lot of money on a trip that nobody appreciated. Maybe the kids will someday, but outside of the little one, it sure didn't seem like it at the time. There was a lot of bitching, fighting, complaining, and all around bad attitudes. And the pic of the Lincoln Memorial? You know what I remember about it? I remember trying to get a picture with my loving wife in front of the reflecting pool along with all the other loving couples and basically getting into a fight about it instead. The one lasting memory I have is a fight with the person who is supposed to be my ride or die. I know I'll never be back there again. I'll never have another opportunity to take that pic, and she burned it to the ground. That's my memory. I remember going home still bitter and angry. I should have posted honestly about it, but I didn't want to create a negative image. I don't care anymore. I'm calling it like I see it. I appreciate someone pointing this out to me and giving me motivation to rectify myself. I like blogging. I just don't like being a phony.

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I live a picture in my head

Colours soaring as I float up with my body in my bed, yeah

And I wonder if I'm dead

Saw the white light flicker so I wake up in a sweat; code red

Sirens going off, probably something that I dreamt

Thinking 'bout the shit I never told you that I meant

I can't shake it off, chloroform, peace and rest

But you know all I ever really wanted was a friend

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

Late night fantasy, it's when I teleport again

I got a spare key, we can and go and play pretend

(We can go and play pretend, yeah)

We can really transcend, no (We can really transcend, yeah)

You and me in an empty room

They can't get in, only room for two

If you play your part and I play mine, too

I'll never take my eyes off you

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

I love the picture in my head

But I know that it's not real

I live a picture in my head

'Cause I like how it makes me feel

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Thanksgiving Sea Legs

Well it's that time again. Time to update this little blog. This is actually my 3rd attempt at it tonight because for some stupid reason my tablet lost the other two. (User error, I'm sure.) I hope you can view this for what it is. I said I was going to be blogging more and I meant it. The fact that I'm mostly writing the same words 3 times now shows my commitment to getting it down. Did you doubt me?

I need this though. This blog is good for my soul. It helps me put things in perspective. It helps me to be thankful. Sometimes I need to be reminded. Thanksgiving Day was last week. I intended to blog that day, but instead I got a nasty stomach virus. I would have thought it was food poisoning but the wife and kids had it the week before. I assume my prior weekend home was enough exposure that it smacked me down. Great timing. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very thankful by the evening. I had a pretty terrible night actually. It carried over the next day as I was feeling exhausted and still needed to work, deliver a load and make it home. I spent most of Saturday in a half daze recovering and being a vegetable. This morning I was much more myself, both physically and mentally. The mind tends to wander into darker waters when the body breaks down. I'm thankful to have recovered. 

I guess it's good things worked out like they did. I'm feeling a little more thankful today. I wasn't much in the spirit on Thanksgiving Day. To be honest completely, I wasn't feeling it much this morning either. At one point, I made the comment that it's hard to enjoy the small things in life when they aren't ever where they should be. In retrospect, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. My family. We're not a picture perfect scene out of a Technicolor still frame, by any means. We're more like bathroom graffiti scrawled in a seedy bar in the bad part of town. But it's our mess, and it's it beautiful. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sometimes lights get left on. Dishes get put in the sink instead of the dishwasher. A favorite bath towel gets taken. Trash overflows. Litter boxes make messes. Laundry comes out of every corner of the house. You trip over shoes or toys. Fights happen. Noise gets made. Things break. And somewhere in the middle of it, love abides. We'll make it to the end of our story someday. That's for certain. The ending may not be what we want it to be, but the book will be written.

If life's an ocean, then the book is the story of how we sail it. I'm learning to ride the waves a little better. The sea may never calm, but I'm getting better at navigating it.

Thankfully, I have an amazing first mate to help me out. I'd be remiss not to mention that I'm thankful for my wife. We just celebrated 15 years of marriage back in October. It was more of a mile marker than a celebration to be honest. I'd love to have gone on some romantic vacation. I'm sure she would have too. Life had other plans. And that's what makes her amazing. She's here for the long haul. Wherever the ship sails, she's there when we drop anchor.

So yeah. I've got a lot to be thankful for. It's good to be reminded.

My mind is filled with ghosts
They're more than most of all my loves gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone when I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm living in a past life...

In a past life, too,
it's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes

No one said it would be easy
Sometimes it is hard to do
It isn't like the TV
You see the cold hard truth
And the things you see in movies
Just don't come true
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear your shoes

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
You have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear the shoes

Life After Midterms

If you're reading this, you survived the 2018 midterm elections. I had my doubts. It has been ugly. Really. Ugly. I've never seen our country so divided. It's disgusting to tell you the truth. I suppose that's why the steam had gone out of my blogging. Looking at everything day to day was making me feel like isolating myself from social media. Can you blame me? Most of it is cancer. Sometimes I get sucked into it. It's hard not to. I'm not proud of that. I'm just being honest. It's the realization that I was getting upset about it way too much that made me take a step back. Life's too short to get upset about politics when there's only so much I can do about it anyway. I voted. Did my part. That's it. Otherwise, I can talk to people who want to listen to my viewpoint, and let go of arguing with those that don't. I've had to do some of that in my own home as well. My wife and I don't always see eye to eye politically. And that's okay. I love her, and she loves me. That's more important. We all would do well to remember that. Even toward the stranger on the street. I've already seen this spill over into our church group. That's pretty sad, isn't it?

Speaking of church. So... we found a new church. I say "we" as if I had anything to do with it. Really it was my wife that talked (nagged) me into going. I wish now that I had listened to her in the beginning. It would have saved us some time at a different church that we never fit into. There was nothing wrong with the first one, we just never found our groove there. The people were nice and all, but just not the right chemistry for us. We're a little... "rough around the edges"... I suppose you could say. Not your typical suburban Christians. We're pretty screwed up if you want to know the truth. We found a church that seems to be pretty accepting of messes like us. We aren't even the most screwed up there, so we got that going for us. And my wife like's the choir. So that's cool.

So why am I blogging now after basically ditching it for so long? I guess a part of me feels like it's important. Not to the world as a whole or anything grandiose like that. I'm not that full of myself. I just want to leave a little piece of myself out there in the ether of the internet I'd probably do better to put it down on paper, but I like the ease and wider distribution possibilities of the internet. Anyways, I guess the reason I'm doing this and why it matters to me is for my kids more than anything. I can hope that someday after I'm dead and gone that these words will still be floating around in the archives of the internet. So they can look back and get a glimpse into the mind of their crazy old dad, grandfather, great ancestor, or whatever. I think it would have been really cool to have had such an opportunity. I don't know much about my ancestors, other that some of the basics of the history of the family lineage. I have never seen any writings from any of my family's past. It would have been nice to have known what they were thinking or experiencing. I'm rambling. You get the idea. I realize that they may never even look at this blog, but at least I did my part at created it. So there's a chance it may mean something to someone in the future. That's good enough for me. It makes me feel good to do it.

What else is going on? Well, work has been going as planned. I had my bumps and bruises in the beginning but it's smoothed out. If thinks continue on, I'll have my truck paid off by this time next year. I am SO looking forward to that. It would be a huge accomplishment for me. A milestone in fact. I don't remember if I blogged about it before, but the account I got hauling loads out of East Texas has been a huge blessing. I get to see mom and dad at least twice a week usually. I've seen them more in the last year that the previous 15 years before. They appreciate it and I enjoy it knowing my time with them grows shorter by the day. Such is the way of things. So I cherish every moment, as much as I can. The same account has now expanded and we've got loads our of a second facility that will hopefully push us through into a profitable year in 2019. I'm cautiously optimistic.

That's about all I feel like discussing in this post for now. I'll try to update more in the coming days. Writing feels good again. I'll need to catch you up on the goings on with the kids and such. It's been a battle of it's own. That's okay though. It's part of being a parent. It's tough sometimes, but also rewarding. I love them deeply. They bring much more joy than pain into my life.

Love and peace to all who stumble into these ramblings of mine.

Donald Trump Protests

Some of the people protesting are nothing but rabble-rousers. I'm not speaking to you. Go away. To the rest of you, I have a message. Some Muslims want to do harm to our nation. I'm not speaking to you. Go away. To the rest of you, I have a message. Some of the BLM movement are actually racists themselves and want to stir racial tensions. I'm not speaking to you. Go away. To the rest of you, I have a message. Some of the MOGAI people do not just want equality, but submission by all who do not share the same orientation. I'm not speaking to you. Go away. To the rest of you, I have a message. Some immigrants came here in defiance of our laws and only seek to exploit our nation's riches and generosity. I'm not speaking to you. Go away. To the rest of you, I have a message. Some of the women in the feminist movement also do not want equality, but dominance and segregation from men. I am not speaking to you. Go away. To the rest of you, I have a message.

To all of you who are legitimately afraid of what may happen now that Donald Trump has been elected, I have a message. I'm speaking directly to you. I'm speaking to the Muslim woman who is afraid to cover her head in public. I'm speaking to the young black man who has to drive a broken down car across town for a minimum wage job, struggling to better himself, who trembles in fear when a police officer pulls him over for a broken tail light. I'm speaking to the young Asian boy in a rural high school who is thinking about cutting his wrists because he gets called a fag. I'm speaking to the elderly Latino man working three jobs to send money back home to take care of his sick daughter. I'm speaking to the middle aged overweight lady who has no sense of self worth because of the men who abused her. To anyone who I haven't specifically mentioned but has the same sense of trepidation, I'm speaking to you.

I'm a white, Christian male, over 40, who voted for Trump. I'm the picture perfect demographic of what you probably are angry at right now. I'm an old white guy. (Wish I could say rich, but I'm not.) And do you know what? I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of what my vote for Trump may turn into. It may turn into regret. But do you know what it is right now? It's hope. I truly hope he makes America great again. And do you know what else? If he fails to deliver, if his policies harm us, and by us I mean ALL of us, including you, I will oppose him also. I will stand with you in protest. Why? Because I love you. You are my fellow Americans. You want what I want. You want a life where we are free to pursue our American Dream, in whatever flavor it may be served. I am with you. 

Now here comes the hard truth. The problems we have right now, aren't Donald Trump's fault. They aren't Obama's fault. They aren't George Bush's fault. They aren't the fault of any one president or administration. Look it the mirror. It's our fault. We've been duped. We've bought into a narrative fed to us via an education system and a media machine, and we've been consumed by it. 

Donald Trump isn't going to make America great again. He can't. It starts with us. We have to change. We have to change our hearts. We have to start loving each other again as Americans and we have to grasp onto what it was that made us great in the first place. Remember 9/11? Remember how we united after that? It sucks, it really sucks that we've gotten so far off track from that. But we don't have to be. We can come together again. So now we had 11/9. And for a lot of us, it was just as traumatic. But my message is to you that I love you, and I stand with you. Donald Trump is a catalyst. It can be for evil, or for good, but the choice is going to be up to each and every one of us. 

#ItStartsWithTheHeart 

I hope you will help me share this message of love and respect all through our land. Especially to your friends who are protesting. Talk to those who have an open mind and will listen. Share my message. Share this hash tag. Be the light in the darkness. We are better than this. We are smarter than this. 

Let's make this happen for the good of our nation, and the prosperity of each of us. 

I love you all, my beautiful and broken fellow Americans.

Ring Around the Rosie

*breath in*

It's good to pause sometimes. How often do we lose ourselves in the daily routine? I know I've lost at least 15 years to it. Time. It's all we have. Evaluate every second. What you DO is what matters. Not what you HAVE. It's taken me a while to learn that. It's terribly true though. As for all rest of the chaos in the world? Yes, we have race issues again. Yes we have religious wars. Yes we have genocides. Yes we have economic problems. Yes we have every despicable moral issue under the sun.

Does this change anything? Do what YOU can do. Forget the rest of the world. It's out of your control; beyond your scope of influence. That pretty much sums up the political scene these days.

As for the personal world:

1) Trying and succeeding in starting my own business.
2) Becoming a better version of me.
3) Remain humble. I almost lost someone very dear to me. I'd rather it have been me.

Life is precious.

Those are my goals/current life statements.

<3 you all.

Sometimes it's not so easy...

Family. I know some people have really messed up families. A lot of people do. They never get to know what it is to have a strong family. For those people, my heart aches. That is a great sadness, and a reflection of how broken our world really is. For others, it is better. I don't want to paint a picture that there's some sort of utopian ideal family image that we should all strive for. No. Far from it. Even the best and strongest of us have to struggle and fight for every breath. Life is hard. It's just that when families work like they are supposed to, even if for a brief minute, they are beautiful. For that, I am grateful for my family working like it should, in the moments I need it most. I just experienced one of those moments. On the surface it seemed like I was the one doing the counselling. To an extent, I suppose I was. Really though, upon reflection, I think I just did myself a lot of good. I had a family member that was struggling with some real issues about what it is to be married. A father. A husband. Sometimes, it's not so easy. There are times you say things you don't mean. Sometimes you say things that are really hard to take back. But the truth is, you can. Apologize. Love the other person. Move on. Remember why you got together in the first place. Will it matter in 20 years? No? Then it doesn't matter now. Will it matter in 20 years? Yes? Then find a way to work through it. If YOU are the one saying "no" then ask yourself why. Is "no" the safe answer? The wise answer? If not, then get out of the way. Are you saying "yes" and your spouse saying "no" to whatever the issue is? Apply the same rule. Is your answer the safe answer? The wise answer? Does it serve you both or just your selfish wants or ambitions? These are hard questions. I'm grateful that I have a family & friends to help me work through things when I need help. I'm glad to be there when I can help someone else. So the point of this all? I realized that being married is a lot of work. It is a commitment. Being a father is also hard. It means giving up a lot of things. I poured gasoline on my dreams and threw a match on them long ago. Sometimes in the valleys of life, when things are hard to deal with, I think I made the wrong decision. I wonder what it would have been like to have chased my dreams and left my (now) wife behind. Then I realize that even if I had all of the wealth and the toys that I could ever want, it would be completely pointless and unsatisfying. I'm so much more happy having a wife that loves me and is there to weather the real storms with me. Sure, we fight. Everyone does. The thing is that at the end of the day, those fights make us better as a couple. Never are either of us 100% right or wrong. It's always a gray area, and working through those gray areas is what makes us grow. It makes us better as individuals. In the end, it makes us a stronger couple. It's just not always easy. I don't think it was supposed to be. Nothing worth fighting for ever is. 

That's why it's called a fight...

Thoughts in Space.

Thoughts. That's the golden nugget. You know? The thing that's like "My Precious." That thing you hold on to. I mean, people can dig into every part of your life nowadays. The internet means no more privacy. Just accept it. You will stand before God... but I digress. The point is, that thoughts cannot be contained. You can't stop Human Thought. That's the one thing. They can definitely silence you. That's a given. Yet they can never really get inside your head. That's what makes true friendship something special. It's when you know someone is in your head with you, in that space. You're not alone. That's the revolution. That's the "anonymous" spirit that's out there. You can argue it's means and methods, but you have to understand it's goal and ambitions. Same can be true for every sect or belief system. You'll know if it's good or bad by it's fruit. They say not to choose sides in this world today, but really there's only one or the other. I choose life. Freedom. Even if by death. Why was Robin Williams death so significant? Was it because we couldn't believe he was dead at such a young age? Uh. No. Hell no. Robin Williams was a Hollywood wackadoo party guy. He was hilarious. He made jokes that hit at the heart of every aspect of that era's pop culture. He was a comic genius. He also partied a lot. He did a lot of drugs. We always kind of were surprised to see he was doing so well in spite of it all. He was famous.It was the fact that he took his own life. Joan Rivers just died. I am hardly as struck. It's that Robin Williams was supposed to be one of the people that had it all together, but he didn't He fell apart in the golden years, when it should have been about legacy. Same can be said for a lot of the Hollywood crowd. So all that fame? What's it worth? Absolutely nothing besides what the crowd remembers of it. Whitney Houston? Crack whore. Do they remember her music? Some do. Will "THEY" remember it forever? Nope. It'll be forgotten completely. They'll just remember she died as a druggie. Eventually even Kurt will suffer the same. It doesn't matter, what matters to me is the "time" of my life that it was. The friends I made. The lives I touched.

I love you all.

Devon, happy birthday Son. I love you. I miss you.

Jim, bro. So glad we ran into each other again. Much love, may this banter never end.

May Bug

So yeah. I've skipped a lot of major stuff. The thing is, I am afraid of blogging the truth. Sure, sit down with me face to face and I'll tell you anything. It's just hard to know what I should put out there on the internet. Then I think about it a little and I realized that pretty much anything I've ever said or done is already out there, so I may as well be honest about who I am. I'll have to stand before God and it will be all seen. See, that's my reality check. People want to bash on religion, but the right one can lead to peace. That's my religion. I seek truth, and righteousness. I am also outstandingly reminded of how short I fall. So I pray to be lifted up when I fall short and I will always do my best to lift up my fallen brother. I don't wish to tear down. I want to share love, peace, brotherhood. Yes, especially with the Muslims, so get off them. Love them.

10 Years Together

Ten years ago, I married the woman who I know will be my wife till the day I die. I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought at the time, it just seemed the right thing to do. We had been dating for several years, we lived together, and she was pregnant. I had no qualms about getting married to her. I loved her. She loved me. We were happy. Honestly, marriage just wasn't that big of a deal to me, since I had been married and divorced twice before. Those failed relationships had left a feeling of insignificance toward the whole institution of modern day marriage. Most don't last, most don't mean much of anything. I only wanted to get married for the sake of our kid, since there is this old ideology I got from my parents that tells me you're supposed to get married if you have kids and that's the best environment for them to grow up in. Oddly enough, after we were married, it seemed to mean a lot more to me. It wasn't about just the kid anymore. I guess it matters more when you marry someone that you actually enjoy being with and who you know is committed to being with you equally as much. So now, all this time later, I still feel very much like she was the right person for me to marry. Sure, we've had our fights. I've probably fought some of worst of my life with her. No, I'm sure I have. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I know we are meant to be together and work through all these issues. We've now had three children together, little ones that are both a blessing and a burden we share. Raising kids is hard work, don't let anyone tell you different. It's just a whole lot easier when you are able to do so with someone you love and loves you in return. Some days we may not like each other very much, but we will always love each other. I have no doubts of that. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I found something that is a rarity these days. I found a marriage partner that is not just a spouse, but a friend. She's my best friend. Ten years have flown by. I look forward to decades more. I love you.

Ermahgerd Nineteen

I told Jenn I was trying to think of something to write to Devon about his birthday. Then she told me she had already written to you, and what she had said. I laughed. True story son. So many moments of my life passed away from you, and yours from me. Yes, I was away a lot. I regret that part of it, that's about it. Sometimes people walk away from each other and sometimes you know that I just remember being your age. Life is a breath, short and simple. No one can take it away from you except yourself. You will live in whatever way you choose, just know that bonds of family can never be broken. Blood is thick. Go with God, and know that HE loves you as do I. Feels pretty different being away from your family. You'll learn what it's like, and you'll want to keep those lines open.

Welcome to being a man.

I had a son.

The rest of the news doesn't matter. I got a little blessing from God. His name is Jesse David Meineke.

He was born 7/11. You've probably seen his pictures on Facebook. I'm proud to be his Dad.

Happy Birthday Ezra

Proverbs 19:18-20:

"Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again. Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise."

Ezra, my boy, I love you so. You have been one of the sources of my greatest joys. You also have been at times a true test of my patience. I know this is of no fault of your own. You are the wonderful little man that God created you to be, and are a reflection of the hot tempers of your mother and I. I pray that God will grant you peace and teach you to control the impulses of the flesh. Learn your lessons now young man, while life is still kind enough to offer you compromise. It doesn't get any easier. Know that my love and prayers are with you always. Love, Dad

Happy Birthday Anna

Music. I love music. I love my little girl. You are a little ray of sunshine in my life. I am so proud of how brilliant you are, how creative you are, and I know you will do great things. Never let the world tell you any different, and never worry about pleasing men. Open your heart to God and let him guide you. Love, Dad

1023

October 23, 2012

9 years ago on this day, I married the love of my life. You might call her my soul mate, if you believe in such fairy tale concepts as true love. After all these years, I have learned that there is no possible way I could have ever picked someone more perfect for me. Sure, we have had our arguments, the same as any two human beings will if they spend enough time together. However, there is something beneath the surface of any argument that goes to the root of our relationship. Love, faith, whatever you want to call it, it permeates everything about "us" as a couple and there is an unbreakable bond between us. No, she is not perfect, and neither am I. WE are perfect for each other. In the end, that is all that matters. I thank God for her. She is better than I deserved, and although I don't tell her enough, I love her with all my heart as much as I could ever love anyone.