Phonyvirus 2020

So yeah. It's been awhile. As I type this, we're still in the middle of the "great plague" of 2020. Coronavirus aka COVID-19 has everything shutdown. Our economy is collapsing. A lot of people have died, about 122K worldwide as of today's official count. That number was supposed to be a lot higher but for reasons one or the other, it's a lot less. I won't go into the minutia of why or what I speculate, but let's just say it hasn't brought us together as a society any more than before. We're as divided as ever. It seems like if you have anything positive to say about Trump or anything he's done, suddenly you're lumped in with the Trump cult crowd, or if you have anything negative to say you're a hater. It's like people have completely forgotten there's a middle ground and both things can be true. I like some of what he's done, and hate other things about what he says and does. It's not all black and white, but that's just how I see it. I have a duplicity in my nature.

In that vein, I'll move on to the bulk of my post. I'm done with pretending to be something or someone I'm not. The last few years have given me a lot of clarity on things that I didn't see before. The last year in particular. People I once thought were friends have drifted away or outright stopped talking to me because I don't agree with them on every political point. I had to get off Facebook. Every day I found myself getting pissed off at someone or something and I just don't need that in my life. I have enough stress and things to worry about. I'm tired of trying to keep people happy or be some image of something that I'm not to please those who at the end of the day, don't really give a shit anyway. I'm tired of trying to please people who can't be pleased. Be bitter, I refuse.

That's why I had walked away from this blog. There was a time when I thought maybe I wanted to find ways to monetize or at least raise my profile in social media. I've been toying with finishing a book and getting it published, so hey, why not right? A good social media presence would be a good thing, right? That may be true, but I've reached a point where I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. Love me or leave me. I've been hiding too much and painting pictures that are more surrealism than realistic. I'm done with that. My last post about our camping trip? It was bullshit. I mean, yeah, those events happened. And I truly do hope my kids will have good memories about it. But for me, it was a disaster. I feel like I threw away a lot of money on a trip that nobody appreciated. Maybe the kids will someday, but outside of the little one, it sure didn't seem like it at the time. There was a lot of bitching, fighting, complaining, and all around bad attitudes. And the pic of the Lincoln Memorial? You know what I remember about it? I remember trying to get a picture with my loving wife in front of the reflecting pool along with all the other loving couples and basically getting into a fight about it instead. The one lasting memory I have is a fight with the person who is supposed to be my ride or die. I know I'll never be back there again. I'll never have another opportunity to take that pic, and she burned it to the ground. That's my memory. I remember going home still bitter and angry. I should have posted honestly about it, but I didn't want to create a negative image. I don't care anymore. I'm calling it like I see it. I appreciate someone pointing this out to me and giving me motivation to rectify myself. I like blogging. I just don't like being a phony.

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I live a picture in my head

Colours soaring as I float up with my body in my bed, yeah

And I wonder if I'm dead

Saw the white light flicker so I wake up in a sweat; code red

Sirens going off, probably something that I dreamt

Thinking 'bout the shit I never told you that I meant

I can't shake it off, chloroform, peace and rest

But you know all I ever really wanted was a friend

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

Late night fantasy, it's when I teleport again

I got a spare key, we can and go and play pretend

(We can go and play pretend, yeah)

We can really transcend, no (We can really transcend, yeah)

You and me in an empty room

They can't get in, only room for two

If you play your part and I play mine, too

I'll never take my eyes off you

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

I love the picture in my head

But I know that it's not real

I live a picture in my head

'Cause I like how it makes me feel

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

2019 Road Trip Camping Family Vacation Extravaganza

We finally did it. We've talked about going to DC for years. I had been wanting to go camping for years. We decided to combine the two and doing a camping/road trip to see the capital. It wasn't completely stress free, but it was way better than I had expected. Most surprising of all was how comfortable we all were in a tent in the rain. Thankfully the tent held up well and other than some minor discomfort while setting up in Gatlinburg, TN in the rain, it was pretty cozy.

We started out our trip Saturday and drove to Memphis. That night we ate bbq at Charlie Vergos. It was good and everyone seemed to enjoy it, but I didn't so much. I think I like Texas style bbq better than the dry rub style, but that's just my preference. 

The next night we went to Nashville. We had some amazing burgers and shakes at Hugh Baby's and did some shopping at an antique shop per Anna's request. 

Night 3 we spent in Gatlinburg, TN where Ezra had an encounter with chickens. I'd post the video of him giggling but he'd never forgive me. "Chicken butts!!! heeheeheehehee!"

Tuesday night we spent in Lexington, VA (Natural Bridge) and it was basically just a pit stop on the way to break up the drive. We didn't do anything significant but I think the kids played in the pool for an we relaxed. 

Wednesday we made it to DC. Setup the campsite, chilled and planned to roll out the next day. Thursday came and after wandering around for awhile I decided to spring for a Big Bus Tour. I'm really glad I did because we would have been lost and wasting our time. We got to drive around and see the city and plan where we wanted to go the next day. Also we may have gotten a little sunburned and dehydrated. Teens may have complained. Life happens. Friday we went back and started touring the town properly. The bus tour ticked was still valid as we purchased it after 1pm. (Score!) That enabled us to ride from site to site and not pay extra. We saw the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. We saw the Holocaust memorial. We saw the Korean war memorial. We saw the Lincoln memorial. We got it an argument at that point and rode back to the parking garage all pissed off at each other. Then we almost couldn't get into the garage as it was past 7pm and closed, but we eventually did. Tempers cooled. We made it back to the campsite. We slept and departed Saturday.

I made the decision to forgo last 2 campsites for hotels as it would have been too late Saturday night, and turned out Sunday it was pouring rain. It worked out because Jenn got a great little hotel in Knoxville, and one of my customers hooked me up with a room at the Crown Plaza in Little Rock Saturday night. 

All in all, vacation success. I would have liked a few things to have been better and smoother, but considering it was a car trip across the country, it went pretty well. No breakdowns. No injuries. Everyone made it home safe. Most importantly, memories were made, and I hope more positive than not. I don't know if I'll get a chance to do this again anytime soon, so I will enjoy this memory. 

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan--to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations." - Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address

Round and Round

Life keeps on ticking by. Ups and downs. Right now I'm in a high season. It's a refreshing break. It's been a long time coming. Working at home has been great. My most stressful day in awhile was dealing with issues with my 3 trucks yesterday. At the end of the day, I still have 3 trucks running. My business. My name. My company. I'm blessed beyond what I deserve.

I'm loving everything about where God is taking my life right now. I also am really in love with my wife more and more. She's been there through all the chaos, and it's wonderful getting to take a minute to enjoy her when there's a season of prosperity.

I pray I don't waste the opportunity and live in a way that honors God for blessing me.

Oh, for all we know

Oh, the world is trying to show us where we first went wrong

And it's a crime if we don't

We weren't the one, we made it all along

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

Ooh

Oh, for all that we know

Oh, we're the highest bumping rhythms that are not around

Oh, but for all

Oh, you spin me 'round

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

No no

No no, no no no no no

Oh, I can't be, I can't be without the love that I found

No no

No no, no no no no no

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Thanksgiving Sea Legs

Well it's that time again. Time to update this little blog. This is actually my 3rd attempt at it tonight because for some stupid reason my tablet lost the other two. (User error, I'm sure.) I hope you can view this for what it is. I said I was going to be blogging more and I meant it. The fact that I'm mostly writing the same words 3 times now shows my commitment to getting it down. Did you doubt me?

I need this though. This blog is good for my soul. It helps me put things in perspective. It helps me to be thankful. Sometimes I need to be reminded. Thanksgiving Day was last week. I intended to blog that day, but instead I got a nasty stomach virus. I would have thought it was food poisoning but the wife and kids had it the week before. I assume my prior weekend home was enough exposure that it smacked me down. Great timing. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very thankful by the evening. I had a pretty terrible night actually. It carried over the next day as I was feeling exhausted and still needed to work, deliver a load and make it home. I spent most of Saturday in a half daze recovering and being a vegetable. This morning I was much more myself, both physically and mentally. The mind tends to wander into darker waters when the body breaks down. I'm thankful to have recovered. 

I guess it's good things worked out like they did. I'm feeling a little more thankful today. I wasn't much in the spirit on Thanksgiving Day. To be honest completely, I wasn't feeling it much this morning either. At one point, I made the comment that it's hard to enjoy the small things in life when they aren't ever where they should be. In retrospect, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. My family. We're not a picture perfect scene out of a Technicolor still frame, by any means. We're more like bathroom graffiti scrawled in a seedy bar in the bad part of town. But it's our mess, and it's it beautiful. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sometimes lights get left on. Dishes get put in the sink instead of the dishwasher. A favorite bath towel gets taken. Trash overflows. Litter boxes make messes. Laundry comes out of every corner of the house. You trip over shoes or toys. Fights happen. Noise gets made. Things break. And somewhere in the middle of it, love abides. We'll make it to the end of our story someday. That's for certain. The ending may not be what we want it to be, but the book will be written.

If life's an ocean, then the book is the story of how we sail it. I'm learning to ride the waves a little better. The sea may never calm, but I'm getting better at navigating it.

Thankfully, I have an amazing first mate to help me out. I'd be remiss not to mention that I'm thankful for my wife. We just celebrated 15 years of marriage back in October. It was more of a mile marker than a celebration to be honest. I'd love to have gone on some romantic vacation. I'm sure she would have too. Life had other plans. And that's what makes her amazing. She's here for the long haul. Wherever the ship sails, she's there when we drop anchor.

So yeah. I've got a lot to be thankful for. It's good to be reminded.

My mind is filled with ghosts
They're more than most of all my loves gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone when I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm living in a past life...

In a past life, too,
it's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes

No one said it would be easy
Sometimes it is hard to do
It isn't like the TV
You see the cold hard truth
And the things you see in movies
Just don't come true
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear your shoes

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
You have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear the shoes

Zombies, Veterans, James Dean, Stan Lee and 2017

So much to my embarrassment while I was updating this blog, I realized that I never actually did any blogging in 2017. I also noticed that I only made a couple entries during 2015 and 2016. Gee, it's like I was busy or something. Starting my own business took more of a toll on me than I had realized. Looking at this blog really drove it home. I love writing. I love putting my thoughts down on paper. It's something I've always been fairly good at. I'm not claiming to be producing some masterpiece by any stretch, but I simply enjoy the outlet. And for the most part, I'm coherent, right? Right?

I promise to do better during 2019 and the rest of this lovely 2018.

If you've traveled over from Facebook, stay tuned for more shenanigans.

On to other things...

The other day I watched the movie Cargo on Netflix. The whole time I was watching it, I kept thinking I'd seen it before. Then it got to the scene after the car wreck (I won't spoil anything.) and I knew for certain it had ripped off this short film I had seen before. After doing a little digging, I was able to find the original version I had seen. Eureka! It was definitely the same scene, though it had been altered a little. I'm too lazy to dig up all the details but it looks pretty obvious at first glance that it was enough of a hit as a short film that Netflix got a hand on it to make the full feature. If you're into zombie flicks (Shout out to Dave!) then it's a pretty good ride. I give it a 5/7. (Imgurians get it.)

This rambling train of thought derailed me into thoughts of James Dean. I remembered a really great quote from him:

I couldn't help pondering to myself, "How close am I?" Do you ever think about this? As someone who dreams of making it as an entrepreneur, it crosses my mind often. There's only so many ways left for us to do this in this modern age. There are no more great pyramids being built. Today we look to our actors, sports figures, rock stars, rappers, internet broadcasters, radio celebrities, YouTube stars, and otherwise financially successful persons of interest found on our flashing screens of light and sound. Digital immortals. Or at least so long as the information superhighway is still traversed by the minds of mortals. This is what we have become. Our lives are compressed into little 5 inch LCD screens and there our memories will live or die. This both saddens me and brings me joy. On the one hand, I know that what I leave behind will be less tangible unless my business is indeed successful and I build a trucking empire. (I can dream, can't I?) On the other hand, I have joy knowing that something like this stupid blog will linger out there for who knows how long to come after I'm dead and gone. (I suppose Blogger could go belly up, but I don't really foresee it happening any day soon, do you?) And I think it's kinda neat. It's much easier for us to pour more of ourselves out into the world than what was possible in those ancient times. We can see the footprints of the ancients, but we have nary a glimpse into what they actually thought, let alone what their day to day lives were about or what the picture of their morning breakfast looked like on Instagram. We can distribute the mundane details of our lives with unbelievable ease. A hundred years from now, could you imagine the unbelievable chronology of life that researchers will be able to dig up? It'll make you think twice about sending those nudes, won't it? (Just because you have the freedom do to it, doesn't make it a good idea.)

On this topic, I'd be remiss not to mention that yesterday was Veterans Day. I have nothing but respect for those that have served in our military and armed forces. I especially honor those that gave their lives in sacrifice for a country they loved. May they never be forgotten, and may they be remembered in greater esteem than the famous people I mentioned earlier. Vets and fallen heroes deserve better than we give them. They always have. That's what makes them heroic. They give everything, and ask for nothing in return. We take them for granted too often, and that's a travesty. 

Lastly, I have to mention that Stan Lee passed away today. I would talk about how sad that is, but seriously, he was 95. The man lived a very long and very successful life. If you don't know who he is, you would have had to have been living under a rock, or be over the age of 80. (My mom's 80 and she knows who he is.) May he rest in peace. I think Mr. Dean would say he pulled it off. I won't get into spiritual pondering on the topic, but just celebrate the success he had in this life. In the world of celebrities and comic book heroes, Mr. Lee was indeed a great man. Excelsior!

Carry on my wayward son

For there'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion

Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion

I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man

Though my mind could think I still was a mad man

I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son

For there'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion

Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean

I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son

For there'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember

Carry on, nothing equals the splendor

Now your life's no longer empty

Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son

For there'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more

Life After Midterms

If you're reading this, you survived the 2018 midterm elections. I had my doubts. It has been ugly. Really. Ugly. I've never seen our country so divided. It's disgusting to tell you the truth. I suppose that's why the steam had gone out of my blogging. Looking at everything day to day was making me feel like isolating myself from social media. Can you blame me? Most of it is cancer. Sometimes I get sucked into it. It's hard not to. I'm not proud of that. I'm just being honest. It's the realization that I was getting upset about it way too much that made me take a step back. Life's too short to get upset about politics when there's only so much I can do about it anyway. I voted. Did my part. That's it. Otherwise, I can talk to people who want to listen to my viewpoint, and let go of arguing with those that don't. I've had to do some of that in my own home as well. My wife and I don't always see eye to eye politically. And that's okay. I love her, and she loves me. That's more important. We all would do well to remember that. Even toward the stranger on the street. I've already seen this spill over into our church group. That's pretty sad, isn't it?

Speaking of church. So... we found a new church. I say "we" as if I had anything to do with it. Really it was my wife that talked (nagged) me into going. I wish now that I had listened to her in the beginning. It would have saved us some time at a different church that we never fit into. There was nothing wrong with the first one, we just never found our groove there. The people were nice and all, but just not the right chemistry for us. We're a little... "rough around the edges"... I suppose you could say. Not your typical suburban Christians. We're pretty screwed up if you want to know the truth. We found a church that seems to be pretty accepting of messes like us. We aren't even the most screwed up there, so we got that going for us. And my wife like's the choir. So that's cool.

So why am I blogging now after basically ditching it for so long? I guess a part of me feels like it's important. Not to the world as a whole or anything grandiose like that. I'm not that full of myself. I just want to leave a little piece of myself out there in the ether of the internet I'd probably do better to put it down on paper, but I like the ease and wider distribution possibilities of the internet. Anyways, I guess the reason I'm doing this and why it matters to me is for my kids more than anything. I can hope that someday after I'm dead and gone that these words will still be floating around in the archives of the internet. So they can look back and get a glimpse into the mind of their crazy old dad, grandfather, great ancestor, or whatever. I think it would have been really cool to have had such an opportunity. I don't know much about my ancestors, other that some of the basics of the history of the family lineage. I have never seen any writings from any of my family's past. It would have been nice to have known what they were thinking or experiencing. I'm rambling. You get the idea. I realize that they may never even look at this blog, but at least I did my part at created it. So there's a chance it may mean something to someone in the future. That's good enough for me. It makes me feel good to do it.

What else is going on? Well, work has been going as planned. I had my bumps and bruises in the beginning but it's smoothed out. If thinks continue on, I'll have my truck paid off by this time next year. I am SO looking forward to that. It would be a huge accomplishment for me. A milestone in fact. I don't remember if I blogged about it before, but the account I got hauling loads out of East Texas has been a huge blessing. I get to see mom and dad at least twice a week usually. I've seen them more in the last year that the previous 15 years before. They appreciate it and I enjoy it knowing my time with them grows shorter by the day. Such is the way of things. So I cherish every moment, as much as I can. The same account has now expanded and we've got loads our of a second facility that will hopefully push us through into a profitable year in 2019. I'm cautiously optimistic.

That's about all I feel like discussing in this post for now. I'll try to update more in the coming days. Writing feels good again. I'll need to catch you up on the goings on with the kids and such. It's been a battle of it's own. That's okay though. It's part of being a parent. It's tough sometimes, but also rewarding. I love them deeply. They bring much more joy than pain into my life.

Love and peace to all who stumble into these ramblings of mine.

Laid. Off.

Laid. Off. Such funny words. Fucked off. Just call it that. Same thing. Question is, now what?

Well. We'll see. Promises made. Can promises be kept? Time will tell. And the bell tolls.

I like music. Have you heard?

Bye Felicia!

Sometimes it's not so easy...

Family. I know some people have really messed up families. A lot of people do. They never get to know what it is to have a strong family. For those people, my heart aches. That is a great sadness, and a reflection of how broken our world really is. For others, it is better. I don't want to paint a picture that there's some sort of utopian ideal family image that we should all strive for. No. Far from it. Even the best and strongest of us have to struggle and fight for every breath. Life is hard. It's just that when families work like they are supposed to, even if for a brief minute, they are beautiful. For that, I am grateful for my family working like it should, in the moments I need it most. I just experienced one of those moments. On the surface it seemed like I was the one doing the counselling. To an extent, I suppose I was. Really though, upon reflection, I think I just did myself a lot of good. I had a family member that was struggling with some real issues about what it is to be married. A father. A husband. Sometimes, it's not so easy. There are times you say things you don't mean. Sometimes you say things that are really hard to take back. But the truth is, you can. Apologize. Love the other person. Move on. Remember why you got together in the first place. Will it matter in 20 years? No? Then it doesn't matter now. Will it matter in 20 years? Yes? Then find a way to work through it. If YOU are the one saying "no" then ask yourself why. Is "no" the safe answer? The wise answer? If not, then get out of the way. Are you saying "yes" and your spouse saying "no" to whatever the issue is? Apply the same rule. Is your answer the safe answer? The wise answer? Does it serve you both or just your selfish wants or ambitions? These are hard questions. I'm grateful that I have a family & friends to help me work through things when I need help. I'm glad to be there when I can help someone else. So the point of this all? I realized that being married is a lot of work. It is a commitment. Being a father is also hard. It means giving up a lot of things. I poured gasoline on my dreams and threw a match on them long ago. Sometimes in the valleys of life, when things are hard to deal with, I think I made the wrong decision. I wonder what it would have been like to have chased my dreams and left my (now) wife behind. Then I realize that even if I had all of the wealth and the toys that I could ever want, it would be completely pointless and unsatisfying. I'm so much more happy having a wife that loves me and is there to weather the real storms with me. Sure, we fight. Everyone does. The thing is that at the end of the day, those fights make us better as a couple. Never are either of us 100% right or wrong. It's always a gray area, and working through those gray areas is what makes us grow. It makes us better as individuals. In the end, it makes us a stronger couple. It's just not always easy. I don't think it was supposed to be. Nothing worth fighting for ever is. 

That's why it's called a fight...

Quality vs. Quantity

http://t.co/mnXQZPubKE

— Rebel Dragon (@RebelDragon1976) November 2, 2013

10 Years Together

Ten years ago, I married the woman who I know will be my wife till the day I die. I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought at the time, it just seemed the right thing to do. We had been dating for several years, we lived together, and she was pregnant. I had no qualms about getting married to her. I loved her. She loved me. We were happy. Honestly, marriage just wasn't that big of a deal to me, since I had been married and divorced twice before. Those failed relationships had left a feeling of insignificance toward the whole institution of modern day marriage. Most don't last, most don't mean much of anything. I only wanted to get married for the sake of our kid, since there is this old ideology I got from my parents that tells me you're supposed to get married if you have kids and that's the best environment for them to grow up in. Oddly enough, after we were married, it seemed to mean a lot more to me. It wasn't about just the kid anymore. I guess it matters more when you marry someone that you actually enjoy being with and who you know is committed to being with you equally as much. So now, all this time later, I still feel very much like she was the right person for me to marry. Sure, we've had our fights. I've probably fought some of worst of my life with her. No, I'm sure I have. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I know we are meant to be together and work through all these issues. We've now had three children together, little ones that are both a blessing and a burden we share. Raising kids is hard work, don't let anyone tell you different. It's just a whole lot easier when you are able to do so with someone you love and loves you in return. Some days we may not like each other very much, but we will always love each other. I have no doubts of that. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I found something that is a rarity these days. I found a marriage partner that is not just a spouse, but a friend. She's my best friend. Ten years have flown by. I look forward to decades more. I love you.

Ermahgerd Nineteen

I told Jenn I was trying to think of something to write to Devon about his birthday. Then she told me she had already written to you, and what she had said. I laughed. True story son. So many moments of my life passed away from you, and yours from me. Yes, I was away a lot. I regret that part of it, that's about it. Sometimes people walk away from each other and sometimes you know that I just remember being your age. Life is a breath, short and simple. No one can take it away from you except yourself. You will live in whatever way you choose, just know that bonds of family can never be broken. Blood is thick. Go with God, and know that HE loves you as do I. Feels pretty different being away from your family. You'll learn what it's like, and you'll want to keep those lines open.

Welcome to being a man.

Pain of Mortality

Last week I read this article. Now today I saw this follow up. As a parent, I find this to be deeply heartbreaking. To bury a child would be the worst thing I can imagine ever having to do. To see it coming, and to know that you are helpless to stop it. I can't fathom the pain. I never want to know what that feels like. How these people are able to hold it together, I can only guess. I am aware of my own weakness, and I doubt my own ability to remain rational if this happened to our family. As a Christian, I can understand how things like this will cause people to question the existence of God. My point is not to delve into that debate, as I am fairly certain that unless you have a relationship with God, you cannot understand what it is to have HIS peace, which surpasses all human understanding, to carry you through times such as these. I only know that without that sort of strength to sustain me in times of trouble, there is no way for me to survive mentally or otherwise if such a fate were to befall my family. I am not sure if Logan's parents were Christian or not, all I know is that I will keep them in my prayers.

I had a son.

The rest of the news doesn't matter. I got a little blessing from God. His name is Jesse David Meineke.

He was born 7/11. You've probably seen his pictures on Facebook. I'm proud to be his Dad.

This was my time.

Good times.

Melancholy

1. mel·an·chol·y  

   /ˈmelənˌkälē/
   

   Noun A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness.

   Adjective Sad, gloomy, or depressed.

   Synonyms noun.   sadness - melancholia - gloom - sorrow - dejection adjective.   sad - gloomy - melancholic - mournful - dismal - blue

I've always liked that word. I find that I use it a lot when I write. WHEN I write. Which is where I'm heading with this. I think I subconsciously have been using that word because it is something I have felt for some time. How long exactly, I'm not sure. Yet I can no longer overlook that little nagging feeling that something is missing. It's the little subtle hints that have been a constant barrage almost daily. Fortunately, I'm becoming aware of this. Sometimes a song sets it off. Maybe it's an image. Whatever it is that causes my senses to awaken, I am realizing that I must continue to create. It doesn't matter if it's writing or music, my mind must have an outlet. I cannot continue to shut off the flow of ideas or it will slowly kill me. I think that over the last decade I have let myself slip off into complacency, which I have nobody to blame but myself, but I can attribute to no longer being in a band and no longer writing as I used to. My website never got off the ground as I had hoped, partly because I didn't have the time to dedicate to it as it would have required, and partly because the pressure of trying to make it into something decent was stymieing any creative energy that I may have been able to expend on it. So after the music shut off, and the website became a bust, I shut down. It had been a process that was taking place gradually, but that was the final straw more or less. Since then, I've struggled to force myself to write a little blog post here each month. Yesterday, in the middle of a hurried workday, I had one of those little moments of awakening. I heard a song. It got stuck in my head. I listened to it a half a dozen times, and again this morning coming to work. So now I am feeling like I need to start writing again. A lot. I should not let my thoughts go. They should go here, on a blog that is free. So I have no pressure to pay for it, or try and generate revenue off of it. It's just for me. My outlet. That feels right. Maybe along the way, I can finally let go of this job that has been killing me as well. I don't know how exactly to pull it off, but I must find a way to provide for my family that doesn't consume me. I am more than my job. I am more than the amount of money I bring home each week. After all, in the end, the job won't matter at all. It will only be the things that I have written that will live on in the memories of those that knew me. No one will care what my income was when I'm gone. I need to remember that now, while I'm alive.

Hold on to the Memories

5/31/2013. My oldest son graduated high school.

It was a milestone moment. So many memories of my own childhood, and subsequent graduation flooding back. All the anxiety of being a new father. Reflections of this displayed on the face of my son's friend,  now facing the same challenge. Feelings of anticipation of the new found freedom from parents and teachers. Hopes and dreams of what is to come. Bittersweet parting of friends and rivals. A sense of accomplishment as the years of studious labor comes to fruition. Gratitude to his mother for having weathered the storms of his upbringing. All the wonderment of the future and the awareness of my own aging. The gray hairs of family members and the youthful vigor of the students in attendance. It is beautiful. Life, the progression.

The crowning moment for me was watching my son perform with a classmate the Cory Tynan cover "Hold on to the Memories" on stage in front of the assembly. It was flawless. It made me proud of him. As if I needed another reason. He's become a fine young man. He has his life ahead of him. He learned from my mistakes and didn't make the same. I hope that wisdom follows him all his days. I know he has the ability to prosper at anything he chooses to do. He seems to be on a path to follow a music career, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I love music, and I hope his talents carry him to all the far corners of the world. To all the places I would have liked to have traveled. Godspeed son. Go forth and be the man that you are.

Any donations will be appreciated and sent to Devon as a graduation gift.

Sequestration

Here we are wrapping up the second month of the year. What a wild ride of insanity it has been! Politically we have gone off the deep end. Most Americans are so ignorant of their rights, they are  completely blind to how badly the  current government is stripping them away. Morally we have seen a former military service member and former police officer with an impeccable record suddenly go on what has been the most memorable shooting rampage of recent history. (Details of which remain murky at best. There are stories of the police opening fire on  civilians and implications that his rampage was due to the LAPD purposely destroying his record because he reported a superior for excessive force.)  We have seen a crazy man hold an autistic child hostage until he was finally killed by the police. North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. This time Iran was there. The world is watching and does nothing. Israel, prophetically, stands alone. In the midst of all this chaos, my wife and I are having another child. He will be born this summer. His name will be Jesse David Meineke. He will be a man of God. Call me crazy, but God told me this would be so. Godspeed little man. Godspeed.

Welcome to 2013

As the month draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past few weeks and how much has transpired just since the new year rolled in. New Year's Day came and went without any significance that I was aware of, yet the world seems to have spiraled into a vortex of insanity since then. Fiscal cliffs, school shootings, gun control, and the threat of war looming overhead seem to have become the norm. It seems blatantly prophetic, if one has spent any time studying Biblical descriptions of the last days. Of course, to say such a thing relegates my opinion to the dark corners of societal condemnation. I'm crazy, so they would say. Maybe so, but I'm not walking around shooting people either. Not yet anyways.

Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

12:12 12/12/12

I just got back from a business trip to Chattanooga. I wish I could tell you that it was filled with adventures and riches beyond imagination, but this is Tennessee we're talking about. The closest I got to adventure was at least temporarily contemplating an attempt to score some moonshine. That being said, I did pass a milestone on the way back to Dallas. That moment in time passed and will never be duplicated. That moment was 12:12 12/12/12 as I have titled this post. In this day and age, there is much speculation about the end of the world and people are constantly jabbering about the Mayan calendar. It's all a bunch of hogwash and hooey, if you ask me. However, I will say that I think we are nearing the "Last Days" as mentioned in the Bible.  I just don't think it will have anything to do with Mayans or any special days of men.  God's on his clock, not ours. Any way you slice it, these are some interesting times to be alive.