Hey Ya'll

 Yeah so it's been awhile since I've been on here. I should have never quit blogging but I guess I kind of got tired of the world for a season and needed to just tap out. Plus the idea of sharing all my thoughts all the time was becoming a little concerning with all the amount of intrusion, data collection, government snooping, etc. But then again, I don't have anything shady to hide so from the "powers that be" so what does it matter? I'm just a nobody as far as most of the world is concerned. I'm just another Gen X kid that never quite fully grew into an adult and now am muddling through life, trying to raise my own kids, feeling like I failed miserably most of the time, and doing the best that I can. 

Ok, so where are we? Well, my last post was a little on the negative side. Ok, so maybe I was a little upset. Depressed. Working through some things. That's what it was. It was a combination of things. I was burned out with work. Finances weren't where I wanted them to be due to work. My relationship with my wife wasn't in a good spot. Everything kind of came to a head. The bright side is, here I am. I've survived and we've worked through our issues, well, most of them anyway. Our relationship is a lot better and though I'm still burned out on work, and finances could be better, I'm not ready to eat a self-inflicted dose of lead.

I've also started a healing process. I didn't quite realize that's what I was doing, but in hindsight I can see the progression. For starters, I have finally been able to see the damage that hereditary alcoholism has had on my family. My dad was an alcoholic. There. I said it. He's finally sober. Which was part of the healing process I had to go through. Maybe at some point I'll go into details about that, but the fact that I'm even able to say it and see it now is a big deal. It was the elephant in the room when I was a kid. We all knew Dad had a drinking problem, but we dared not ever mention the "A" word or we knew he'd fly into a rage. 

So yeah. No excuses for my own bad behavior, but I can finally see how the toxicity had become a part of my life, and I was never aware of it, until I finally saw the damage I was doing to my family and myself. 

So the real MVP in all this? Jesus. I have made a real effort to finally give it all up and let Him take control. Have I still got a long way to go? You betcha. But I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 4 years ago when I last posted here. And so here I am. Here we are. If you're reading this, then stay tuned. I will be back blogging more often again and talking about some of these issues. Faith, healing, mental health. And as always, I'll throw in my 2 cents about the ongoing political issues of the day. If anyone is even interested. If not, I don't care. This is for my own therapy more than anything. 

Flying and feeling the ceiling

And barely dealing

And the faintest, the faintest of praises

Are too revealing

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

A fly-in at LA was open

I wasn't hoping for a win

I was hoping for freedom

You couldn't beat 'em

So you crumbled, you doubled your dosage

You wanna go, said the inhibitor blocking the passage

That thing is massive

And the sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

The sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

In a stage of grief so demanding

I got a stand-in

Every radio buzzing, it wasn't the dream of the moment

Wasn't the current that carried me, keeping me going

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Everyone suddenly busy

Suddenly dizzy

You're so easy, it's pushing you over

They're taking tours

Of a treacherous trip of the badlands

You have your demands

Maybe you're right, but nothing is just a bad hand

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Finally flying the ceiling

I see myself

And the revival, it suddenly hits me

It's going viral

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

But the days spent kicking the cages

Are too revealing

So committed to your misfortune

But still a cheater

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Wish you could be here

2019 Road Trip Camping Family Vacation Extravaganza

We finally did it. We've talked about going to DC for years. I had been wanting to go camping for years. We decided to combine the two and doing a camping/road trip to see the capital. It wasn't completely stress free, but it was way better than I had expected. Most surprising of all was how comfortable we all were in a tent in the rain. Thankfully the tent held up well and other than some minor discomfort while setting up in Gatlinburg, TN in the rain, it was pretty cozy.

We started out our trip Saturday and drove to Memphis. That night we ate bbq at Charlie Vergos. It was good and everyone seemed to enjoy it, but I didn't so much. I think I like Texas style bbq better than the dry rub style, but that's just my preference. 

The next night we went to Nashville. We had some amazing burgers and shakes at Hugh Baby's and did some shopping at an antique shop per Anna's request. 

Night 3 we spent in Gatlinburg, TN where Ezra had an encounter with chickens. I'd post the video of him giggling but he'd never forgive me. "Chicken butts!!! heeheeheehehee!"

Tuesday night we spent in Lexington, VA (Natural Bridge) and it was basically just a pit stop on the way to break up the drive. We didn't do anything significant but I think the kids played in the pool for an we relaxed. 

Wednesday we made it to DC. Setup the campsite, chilled and planned to roll out the next day. Thursday came and after wandering around for awhile I decided to spring for a Big Bus Tour. I'm really glad I did because we would have been lost and wasting our time. We got to drive around and see the city and plan where we wanted to go the next day. Also we may have gotten a little sunburned and dehydrated. Teens may have complained. Life happens. Friday we went back and started touring the town properly. The bus tour ticked was still valid as we purchased it after 1pm. (Score!) That enabled us to ride from site to site and not pay extra. We saw the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. We saw the Holocaust memorial. We saw the Korean war memorial. We saw the Lincoln memorial. We got it an argument at that point and rode back to the parking garage all pissed off at each other. Then we almost couldn't get into the garage as it was past 7pm and closed, but we eventually did. Tempers cooled. We made it back to the campsite. We slept and departed Saturday.

I made the decision to forgo last 2 campsites for hotels as it would have been too late Saturday night, and turned out Sunday it was pouring rain. It worked out because Jenn got a great little hotel in Knoxville, and one of my customers hooked me up with a room at the Crown Plaza in Little Rock Saturday night. 

All in all, vacation success. I would have liked a few things to have been better and smoother, but considering it was a car trip across the country, it went pretty well. No breakdowns. No injuries. Everyone made it home safe. Most importantly, memories were made, and I hope more positive than not. I don't know if I'll get a chance to do this again anytime soon, so I will enjoy this memory. 

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan--to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations." - Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address

Round and Round

Life keeps on ticking by. Ups and downs. Right now I'm in a high season. It's a refreshing break. It's been a long time coming. Working at home has been great. My most stressful day in awhile was dealing with issues with my 3 trucks yesterday. At the end of the day, I still have 3 trucks running. My business. My name. My company. I'm blessed beyond what I deserve.

I'm loving everything about where God is taking my life right now. I also am really in love with my wife more and more. She's been there through all the chaos, and it's wonderful getting to take a minute to enjoy her when there's a season of prosperity.

I pray I don't waste the opportunity and live in a way that honors God for blessing me.

Oh, for all we know

Oh, the world is trying to show us where we first went wrong

And it's a crime if we don't

We weren't the one, we made it all along

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

Ooh

Oh, for all that we know

Oh, we're the highest bumping rhythms that are not around

Oh, but for all

Oh, you spin me 'round

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

No no

No no, no no no no no

Oh, I can't be, I can't be without the love that I found

No no

No no, no no no no no

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Letting Go

I've spent a lot of time trying to hold onto things. Money. Relationships. Jobs. Habits.

A couple weeks ago, I let go of my truck. I had been trying really hard to hang onto it until October when the last payment would be due. God had other plans. That's the part I've been trying to wrap my head around. I had wanted to be home with my wife and kids. I also wanted to get into a financial situation where I wasn't worried or stressed about paying bills. In my mind, the solution was to stick it out in the truck until it was paid for and then start looking for other drivers to add. Then this happened:

Someone at the shipper I was hauling from decided to knock a big hole in my trailer. On top of that, I was still having issues with the emission system on the truck. It was too much. I had struggled long enough. I didn't know what was going to happen or how it'd work out, but I knew I couldn't keep going. I needed to be home with my family. All the gold in the world wasn't worth the time I was losing with my kids and my wife. And this sort of stress was just more than I needed. I was near the point of cracking. So I gave it to God. 

Now here I am today. The insurance declared the trailer a total loss. I sold the truck for more than I owe on it. I found a replacement owner operator to take my spot on the insurance. I'm going to be okay financially. Most importantly, I'm home with my family every night again. That's a blessing.

Sometimes letting go is what we need in order to see the big picture. I'd never have gotten out of the truck if my trailer hadn't been hit. It was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. 

I'm ready to give it all over to Him. 

All the gold and the guns in the world

(couldn't get you off)

All the gold and the guns and the girls

(couldn't get you off)

All the boys, All the choices in the world

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

All the lace and the skin in the shop

(couldn't get you off)

All the toys and the tools in the box

(couldn't get you off)

All the noise, all the voices never stop

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Why you givin' me a hard time

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

More and more, more and more, more and more,

More and more and more and more, more and more.

Thanksgiving Sea Legs

Well it's that time again. Time to update this little blog. This is actually my 3rd attempt at it tonight because for some stupid reason my tablet lost the other two. (User error, I'm sure.) I hope you can view this for what it is. I said I was going to be blogging more and I meant it. The fact that I'm mostly writing the same words 3 times now shows my commitment to getting it down. Did you doubt me?

I need this though. This blog is good for my soul. It helps me put things in perspective. It helps me to be thankful. Sometimes I need to be reminded. Thanksgiving Day was last week. I intended to blog that day, but instead I got a nasty stomach virus. I would have thought it was food poisoning but the wife and kids had it the week before. I assume my prior weekend home was enough exposure that it smacked me down. Great timing. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very thankful by the evening. I had a pretty terrible night actually. It carried over the next day as I was feeling exhausted and still needed to work, deliver a load and make it home. I spent most of Saturday in a half daze recovering and being a vegetable. This morning I was much more myself, both physically and mentally. The mind tends to wander into darker waters when the body breaks down. I'm thankful to have recovered. 

I guess it's good things worked out like they did. I'm feeling a little more thankful today. I wasn't much in the spirit on Thanksgiving Day. To be honest completely, I wasn't feeling it much this morning either. At one point, I made the comment that it's hard to enjoy the small things in life when they aren't ever where they should be. In retrospect, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. My family. We're not a picture perfect scene out of a Technicolor still frame, by any means. We're more like bathroom graffiti scrawled in a seedy bar in the bad part of town. But it's our mess, and it's it beautiful. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sometimes lights get left on. Dishes get put in the sink instead of the dishwasher. A favorite bath towel gets taken. Trash overflows. Litter boxes make messes. Laundry comes out of every corner of the house. You trip over shoes or toys. Fights happen. Noise gets made. Things break. And somewhere in the middle of it, love abides. We'll make it to the end of our story someday. That's for certain. The ending may not be what we want it to be, but the book will be written.

If life's an ocean, then the book is the story of how we sail it. I'm learning to ride the waves a little better. The sea may never calm, but I'm getting better at navigating it.

Thankfully, I have an amazing first mate to help me out. I'd be remiss not to mention that I'm thankful for my wife. We just celebrated 15 years of marriage back in October. It was more of a mile marker than a celebration to be honest. I'd love to have gone on some romantic vacation. I'm sure she would have too. Life had other plans. And that's what makes her amazing. She's here for the long haul. Wherever the ship sails, she's there when we drop anchor.

So yeah. I've got a lot to be thankful for. It's good to be reminded.

My mind is filled with ghosts
They're more than most of all my loves gone wrong

My mind should be the way
Most people say that I should just move on

My mind is focused on
Things past and gone when I have no control

I can't forget there used to be
I used to see but now no more

Think I'm living in a past life...

In a past life, too,
it's a kind of thing that
Catches up to you
I guess I just believe that
It's the thing to do
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear those shoes

No one said it would be easy
Sometimes it is hard to do
It isn't like the TV
You see the cold hard truth
And the things you see in movies
Just don't come true
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear your shoes

I will live a half-life
It'll have to do
Now you can have a love life
You have loved me, too
You can see me in the evening
When the weather's cool
But here's a little feedback
You gotta wear the shoes

Life After Midterms

If you're reading this, you survived the 2018 midterm elections. I had my doubts. It has been ugly. Really. Ugly. I've never seen our country so divided. It's disgusting to tell you the truth. I suppose that's why the steam had gone out of my blogging. Looking at everything day to day was making me feel like isolating myself from social media. Can you blame me? Most of it is cancer. Sometimes I get sucked into it. It's hard not to. I'm not proud of that. I'm just being honest. It's the realization that I was getting upset about it way too much that made me take a step back. Life's too short to get upset about politics when there's only so much I can do about it anyway. I voted. Did my part. That's it. Otherwise, I can talk to people who want to listen to my viewpoint, and let go of arguing with those that don't. I've had to do some of that in my own home as well. My wife and I don't always see eye to eye politically. And that's okay. I love her, and she loves me. That's more important. We all would do well to remember that. Even toward the stranger on the street. I've already seen this spill over into our church group. That's pretty sad, isn't it?

Speaking of church. So... we found a new church. I say "we" as if I had anything to do with it. Really it was my wife that talked (nagged) me into going. I wish now that I had listened to her in the beginning. It would have saved us some time at a different church that we never fit into. There was nothing wrong with the first one, we just never found our groove there. The people were nice and all, but just not the right chemistry for us. We're a little... "rough around the edges"... I suppose you could say. Not your typical suburban Christians. We're pretty screwed up if you want to know the truth. We found a church that seems to be pretty accepting of messes like us. We aren't even the most screwed up there, so we got that going for us. And my wife like's the choir. So that's cool.

So why am I blogging now after basically ditching it for so long? I guess a part of me feels like it's important. Not to the world as a whole or anything grandiose like that. I'm not that full of myself. I just want to leave a little piece of myself out there in the ether of the internet I'd probably do better to put it down on paper, but I like the ease and wider distribution possibilities of the internet. Anyways, I guess the reason I'm doing this and why it matters to me is for my kids more than anything. I can hope that someday after I'm dead and gone that these words will still be floating around in the archives of the internet. So they can look back and get a glimpse into the mind of their crazy old dad, grandfather, great ancestor, or whatever. I think it would have been really cool to have had such an opportunity. I don't know much about my ancestors, other that some of the basics of the history of the family lineage. I have never seen any writings from any of my family's past. It would have been nice to have known what they were thinking or experiencing. I'm rambling. You get the idea. I realize that they may never even look at this blog, but at least I did my part at created it. So there's a chance it may mean something to someone in the future. That's good enough for me. It makes me feel good to do it.

What else is going on? Well, work has been going as planned. I had my bumps and bruises in the beginning but it's smoothed out. If thinks continue on, I'll have my truck paid off by this time next year. I am SO looking forward to that. It would be a huge accomplishment for me. A milestone in fact. I don't remember if I blogged about it before, but the account I got hauling loads out of East Texas has been a huge blessing. I get to see mom and dad at least twice a week usually. I've seen them more in the last year that the previous 15 years before. They appreciate it and I enjoy it knowing my time with them grows shorter by the day. Such is the way of things. So I cherish every moment, as much as I can. The same account has now expanded and we've got loads our of a second facility that will hopefully push us through into a profitable year in 2019. I'm cautiously optimistic.

That's about all I feel like discussing in this post for now. I'll try to update more in the coming days. Writing feels good again. I'll need to catch you up on the goings on with the kids and such. It's been a battle of it's own. That's okay though. It's part of being a parent. It's tough sometimes, but also rewarding. I love them deeply. They bring much more joy than pain into my life.

Love and peace to all who stumble into these ramblings of mine.

Laid. Off.

Laid. Off. Such funny words. Fucked off. Just call it that. Same thing. Question is, now what?

Well. We'll see. Promises made. Can promises be kept? Time will tell. And the bell tolls.

I like music. Have you heard?

Bye Felicia!

Sometimes it's not so easy...

Family. I know some people have really messed up families. A lot of people do. They never get to know what it is to have a strong family. For those people, my heart aches. That is a great sadness, and a reflection of how broken our world really is. For others, it is better. I don't want to paint a picture that there's some sort of utopian ideal family image that we should all strive for. No. Far from it. Even the best and strongest of us have to struggle and fight for every breath. Life is hard. It's just that when families work like they are supposed to, even if for a brief minute, they are beautiful. For that, I am grateful for my family working like it should, in the moments I need it most. I just experienced one of those moments. On the surface it seemed like I was the one doing the counselling. To an extent, I suppose I was. Really though, upon reflection, I think I just did myself a lot of good. I had a family member that was struggling with some real issues about what it is to be married. A father. A husband. Sometimes, it's not so easy. There are times you say things you don't mean. Sometimes you say things that are really hard to take back. But the truth is, you can. Apologize. Love the other person. Move on. Remember why you got together in the first place. Will it matter in 20 years? No? Then it doesn't matter now. Will it matter in 20 years? Yes? Then find a way to work through it. If YOU are the one saying "no" then ask yourself why. Is "no" the safe answer? The wise answer? If not, then get out of the way. Are you saying "yes" and your spouse saying "no" to whatever the issue is? Apply the same rule. Is your answer the safe answer? The wise answer? Does it serve you both or just your selfish wants or ambitions? These are hard questions. I'm grateful that I have a family & friends to help me work through things when I need help. I'm glad to be there when I can help someone else. So the point of this all? I realized that being married is a lot of work. It is a commitment. Being a father is also hard. It means giving up a lot of things. I poured gasoline on my dreams and threw a match on them long ago. Sometimes in the valleys of life, when things are hard to deal with, I think I made the wrong decision. I wonder what it would have been like to have chased my dreams and left my (now) wife behind. Then I realize that even if I had all of the wealth and the toys that I could ever want, it would be completely pointless and unsatisfying. I'm so much more happy having a wife that loves me and is there to weather the real storms with me. Sure, we fight. Everyone does. The thing is that at the end of the day, those fights make us better as a couple. Never are either of us 100% right or wrong. It's always a gray area, and working through those gray areas is what makes us grow. It makes us better as individuals. In the end, it makes us a stronger couple. It's just not always easy. I don't think it was supposed to be. Nothing worth fighting for ever is. 

That's why it's called a fight...

10 Years Together

Ten years ago, I married the woman who I know will be my wife till the day I die. I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought at the time, it just seemed the right thing to do. We had been dating for several years, we lived together, and she was pregnant. I had no qualms about getting married to her. I loved her. She loved me. We were happy. Honestly, marriage just wasn't that big of a deal to me, since I had been married and divorced twice before. Those failed relationships had left a feeling of insignificance toward the whole institution of modern day marriage. Most don't last, most don't mean much of anything. I only wanted to get married for the sake of our kid, since there is this old ideology I got from my parents that tells me you're supposed to get married if you have kids and that's the best environment for them to grow up in. Oddly enough, after we were married, it seemed to mean a lot more to me. It wasn't about just the kid anymore. I guess it matters more when you marry someone that you actually enjoy being with and who you know is committed to being with you equally as much. So now, all this time later, I still feel very much like she was the right person for me to marry. Sure, we've had our fights. I've probably fought some of worst of my life with her. No, I'm sure I have. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I know we are meant to be together and work through all these issues. We've now had three children together, little ones that are both a blessing and a burden we share. Raising kids is hard work, don't let anyone tell you different. It's just a whole lot easier when you are able to do so with someone you love and loves you in return. Some days we may not like each other very much, but we will always love each other. I have no doubts of that. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I found something that is a rarity these days. I found a marriage partner that is not just a spouse, but a friend. She's my best friend. Ten years have flown by. I look forward to decades more. I love you.

Ermahgerd Nineteen

I told Jenn I was trying to think of something to write to Devon about his birthday. Then she told me she had already written to you, and what she had said. I laughed. True story son. So many moments of my life passed away from you, and yours from me. Yes, I was away a lot. I regret that part of it, that's about it. Sometimes people walk away from each other and sometimes you know that I just remember being your age. Life is a breath, short and simple. No one can take it away from you except yourself. You will live in whatever way you choose, just know that bonds of family can never be broken. Blood is thick. Go with God, and know that HE loves you as do I. Feels pretty different being away from your family. You'll learn what it's like, and you'll want to keep those lines open.

Welcome to being a man.

Pain of Mortality

Last week I read this article. Now today I saw this follow up. As a parent, I find this to be deeply heartbreaking. To bury a child would be the worst thing I can imagine ever having to do. To see it coming, and to know that you are helpless to stop it. I can't fathom the pain. I never want to know what that feels like. How these people are able to hold it together, I can only guess. I am aware of my own weakness, and I doubt my own ability to remain rational if this happened to our family. As a Christian, I can understand how things like this will cause people to question the existence of God. My point is not to delve into that debate, as I am fairly certain that unless you have a relationship with God, you cannot understand what it is to have HIS peace, which surpasses all human understanding, to carry you through times such as these. I only know that without that sort of strength to sustain me in times of trouble, there is no way for me to survive mentally or otherwise if such a fate were to befall my family. I am not sure if Logan's parents were Christian or not, all I know is that I will keep them in my prayers.

I had a son.

The rest of the news doesn't matter. I got a little blessing from God. His name is Jesse David Meineke.

He was born 7/11. You've probably seen his pictures on Facebook. I'm proud to be his Dad.

Parenting 101 Whatever

Kids are gonna be kids. They will break your things. They will trash things you wanted to mean something to them. They will break your heart. However, you love them deeply. And you miss them when they are gone.

<3 you guys.

Hold on to the Memories

5/31/2013. My oldest son graduated high school.

It was a milestone moment. So many memories of my own childhood, and subsequent graduation flooding back. All the anxiety of being a new father. Reflections of this displayed on the face of my son's friend,  now facing the same challenge. Feelings of anticipation of the new found freedom from parents and teachers. Hopes and dreams of what is to come. Bittersweet parting of friends and rivals. A sense of accomplishment as the years of studious labor comes to fruition. Gratitude to his mother for having weathered the storms of his upbringing. All the wonderment of the future and the awareness of my own aging. The gray hairs of family members and the youthful vigor of the students in attendance. It is beautiful. Life, the progression.

The crowning moment for me was watching my son perform with a classmate the Cory Tynan cover "Hold on to the Memories" on stage in front of the assembly. It was flawless. It made me proud of him. As if I needed another reason. He's become a fine young man. He has his life ahead of him. He learned from my mistakes and didn't make the same. I hope that wisdom follows him all his days. I know he has the ability to prosper at anything he chooses to do. He seems to be on a path to follow a music career, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I love music, and I hope his talents carry him to all the far corners of the world. To all the places I would have liked to have traveled. Godspeed son. Go forth and be the man that you are.

Any donations will be appreciated and sent to Devon as a graduation gift.

Happy Birthday Ezra

Proverbs 19:18-20:

"Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again. Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise."

Ezra, my boy, I love you so. You have been one of the sources of my greatest joys. You also have been at times a true test of my patience. I know this is of no fault of your own. You are the wonderful little man that God created you to be, and are a reflection of the hot tempers of your mother and I. I pray that God will grant you peace and teach you to control the impulses of the flesh. Learn your lessons now young man, while life is still kind enough to offer you compromise. It doesn't get any easier. Know that my love and prayers are with you always. Love, Dad

Happy Birthday Anna

Music. I love music. I love my little girl. You are a little ray of sunshine in my life. I am so proud of how brilliant you are, how creative you are, and I know you will do great things. Never let the world tell you any different, and never worry about pleasing men. Open your heart to God and let him guide you. Love, Dad

Sequestration

Here we are wrapping up the second month of the year. What a wild ride of insanity it has been! Politically we have gone off the deep end. Most Americans are so ignorant of their rights, they are  completely blind to how badly the  current government is stripping them away. Morally we have seen a former military service member and former police officer with an impeccable record suddenly go on what has been the most memorable shooting rampage of recent history. (Details of which remain murky at best. There are stories of the police opening fire on  civilians and implications that his rampage was due to the LAPD purposely destroying his record because he reported a superior for excessive force.)  We have seen a crazy man hold an autistic child hostage until he was finally killed by the police. North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. This time Iran was there. The world is watching and does nothing. Israel, prophetically, stands alone. In the midst of all this chaos, my wife and I are having another child. He will be born this summer. His name will be Jesse David Meineke. He will be a man of God. Call me crazy, but God told me this would be so. Godspeed little man. Godspeed.

Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

Turkey Hangover

Thanksgiving has came and went. Today I'm settling back into my routine at work, dealing with phone calls, stupid questions, and ignorant customers. It's another day in the life of the transportation industry. I am missing my home terribly, and wishing I could have stayed a few more days. Make that weeks. Months. Scratch that. I want to move back. Life is so different there, as opposed to the stress and hustle of life here in Dallas. It peaceful there, mentally and spiritually. My kids even behave better. I think it has something to do with being able to run around outside and burn off that excess energy kids have. All in all, life is better there. Now if only I could find a creative way of making income there, and I'd be back in a second. It's the j-o-b that keeps me stuck here. I hate that I can't find a better way to make my living than this, but it does pay the bills. I also have a good employer, which is much more than can be said for a lot of people. I do count my blessings, and I am thankful. Human nature being what it is, I can't help but wish for something better.

Peaceful...

Family Man

Anyone that knows me is well aware of the gaggle of kids we have. My oldest, who just turned 18 last September. My stepdaughter, who will be 17 next month. Then the two little ones, 8 and 7. I don't need any more kids. I don't want any more kids. My wife is pregnant. I'd love my child, if all goes well and we have another. I love all my kids now. I never wanted any kids. I guess you could say that sounds horrible, but it is just the truth of what was. I was selfish and self-absorbed and I never wanted to have to give up my life to raise a family. Yet here I am. Doing the best I can. It's hard sometimes. Actually it's hard all the time. Our economy sucks right now. Making money in America isn't as easy as it used to be. It's not the best environment to have a baby. I'm also concerned for my wife. The last two pregnancies turned out to be miscarriages. After delivering three healthy and big babies, she had two back to back miscarriages. I feel something has to be wrong to cause that. I don't think it was pure coincidence. Now we're facing a third and I have no way to know if we aren't looking at going through the same thing. I feel horrible that I know deep in my heart that I don't really want another child. I know that logically, the two are not connected. I can't will away a child. Yet, I still feel like it is somehow my fault if something goes wrong. I don't know how this is going to end up, but I'm sure I'll be blogging about it here. To be continued...

My wife showed me this video this weekend. It seemed perfectly appropriate.