Welcome to 2013

As the month draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past few weeks and how much has transpired just since the new year rolled in. New Year's Day came and went without any significance that I was aware of, yet the world seems to have spiraled into a vortex of insanity since then. Fiscal cliffs, school shootings, gun control, and the threat of war looming overhead seem to have become the norm. It seems blatantly prophetic, if one has spent any time studying Biblical descriptions of the last days. Of course, to say such a thing relegates my opinion to the dark corners of societal condemnation. I'm crazy, so they would say. Maybe so, but I'm not walking around shooting people either. Not yet anyways.

Christmas 2012

I wish I could say I had a Merry Christmas this year. I didn't. It was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Besides being sick pretty much the entire time, I had a horrible fight with my wife. I love my wife. I really do. I just wish she could come to terms with the understanding that our lives really are intertwined. How she feels about herself, and how she acts on those emotions has a direct impact on the well being and happiness of the rest of our family. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So that is probably the biggest reason that I had a bad Christmas. Other than that, I am really feeling down about life in general. I feel like a failure of a parent, every time I see my kids failures. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it really wears me down. It doesn't help that our world seems to be collapsing around us, morally, economically, socially. I am terrified for the future of my children. I'm afraid that my parenting will not be enough to lead them to the spiritual faith they will need to weather the storms on the horizon. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I seriously consider ending it. They are the reason I don't, and yet it bothers me that I feel this way. I don't know what I should do, or who I can turn to. The only thing I can do is turn to God and hope and pray he will carry me through these storms.

I wait for the end to come...

12:12 12/12/12

I just got back from a business trip to Chattanooga. I wish I could tell you that it was filled with adventures and riches beyond imagination, but this is Tennessee we're talking about. The closest I got to adventure was at least temporarily contemplating an attempt to score some moonshine. That being said, I did pass a milestone on the way back to Dallas. That moment in time passed and will never be duplicated. That moment was 12:12 12/12/12 as I have titled this post. In this day and age, there is much speculation about the end of the world and people are constantly jabbering about the Mayan calendar. It's all a bunch of hogwash and hooey, if you ask me. However, I will say that I think we are nearing the "Last Days" as mentioned in the Bible.  I just don't think it will have anything to do with Mayans or any special days of men.  God's on his clock, not ours. Any way you slice it, these are some interesting times to be alive.

Tired

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really wonder what are you doing? I mean, why? What purpose do you serve in the grand scheme of things? I've had one of those weeks. I believe it may be attributed to the beating that has been my job for the last 10 years, and that I feel very much that I am trapped. There seems to be no end in sight and people from all directions depend on me to carry the load. The sad part is when the people I depend on for a little relief let me down. I have carried the torch long enough that I am ready to pass it on to someone younger and more able than me. I cannot seem to find such a person. Every time I get a little spark of inspiration it is extinguished by the reality of the inconsistencies of human nature. If I can ever find a reliable person that will be here and be as dedicated as I have been, I will know it is finally time to move on. Hopefully when that day comes there will still be enough life left in me to do something meaningful.

Turkey Hangover

Thanksgiving has came and went. Today I'm settling back into my routine at work, dealing with phone calls, stupid questions, and ignorant customers. It's another day in the life of the transportation industry. I am missing my home terribly, and wishing I could have stayed a few more days. Make that weeks. Months. Scratch that. I want to move back. Life is so different there, as opposed to the stress and hustle of life here in Dallas. It peaceful there, mentally and spiritually. My kids even behave better. I think it has something to do with being able to run around outside and burn off that excess energy kids have. All in all, life is better there. Now if only I could find a creative way of making income there, and I'd be back in a second. It's the j-o-b that keeps me stuck here. I hate that I can't find a better way to make my living than this, but it does pay the bills. I also have a good employer, which is much more than can be said for a lot of people. I do count my blessings, and I am thankful. Human nature being what it is, I can't help but wish for something better.

Peaceful...