Hey Ya'll

 Yeah so it's been awhile since I've been on here. I should have never quit blogging but I guess I kind of got tired of the world for a season and needed to just tap out. Plus the idea of sharing all my thoughts all the time was becoming a little concerning with all the amount of intrusion, data collection, government snooping, etc. But then again, I don't have anything shady to hide so from the "powers that be" so what does it matter? I'm just a nobody as far as most of the world is concerned. I'm just another Gen X kid that never quite fully grew into an adult and now am muddling through life, trying to raise my own kids, feeling like I failed miserably most of the time, and doing the best that I can. 

Ok, so where are we? Well, my last post was a little on the negative side. Ok, so maybe I was a little upset. Depressed. Working through some things. That's what it was. It was a combination of things. I was burned out with work. Finances weren't where I wanted them to be due to work. My relationship with my wife wasn't in a good spot. Everything kind of came to a head. The bright side is, here I am. I've survived and we've worked through our issues, well, most of them anyway. Our relationship is a lot better and though I'm still burned out on work, and finances could be better, I'm not ready to eat a self-inflicted dose of lead.

I've also started a healing process. I didn't quite realize that's what I was doing, but in hindsight I can see the progression. For starters, I have finally been able to see the damage that hereditary alcoholism has had on my family. My dad was an alcoholic. There. I said it. He's finally sober. Which was part of the healing process I had to go through. Maybe at some point I'll go into details about that, but the fact that I'm even able to say it and see it now is a big deal. It was the elephant in the room when I was a kid. We all knew Dad had a drinking problem, but we dared not ever mention the "A" word or we knew he'd fly into a rage. 

So yeah. No excuses for my own bad behavior, but I can finally see how the toxicity had become a part of my life, and I was never aware of it, until I finally saw the damage I was doing to my family and myself. 

So the real MVP in all this? Jesus. I have made a real effort to finally give it all up and let Him take control. Have I still got a long way to go? You betcha. But I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 4 years ago when I last posted here. And so here I am. Here we are. If you're reading this, then stay tuned. I will be back blogging more often again and talking about some of these issues. Faith, healing, mental health. And as always, I'll throw in my 2 cents about the ongoing political issues of the day. If anyone is even interested. If not, I don't care. This is for my own therapy more than anything. 

Flying and feeling the ceiling

And barely dealing

And the faintest, the faintest of praises

Are too revealing

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

A fly-in at LA was open

I wasn't hoping for a win

I was hoping for freedom

You couldn't beat 'em

So you crumbled, you doubled your dosage

You wanna go, said the inhibitor blocking the passage

That thing is massive

And the sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

The sky will come for you once

Just sit tight until it's done

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

In a stage of grief so demanding

I got a stand-in

Every radio buzzing, it wasn't the dream of the moment

Wasn't the current that carried me, keeping me going

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Everyone suddenly busy

Suddenly dizzy

You're so easy, it's pushing you over

They're taking tours

Of a treacherous trip of the badlands

You have your demands

Maybe you're right, but nothing is just a bad hand

Only want to get to work

But every morning I'm too sick to drive

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget the mission, just get out alive

Only want to glean the purpose

Only to scratch the surface, raise the plow

Suffering whiteout conditions

Forget your mission, just get out somehow

Finally flying the ceiling

I see myself

And the revival, it suddenly hits me

It's going viral

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Someone should say it

Such a waste of the only impossible, logical way in

Got so hooked on a feeling

I started dealing

But the days spent kicking the cages

Are too revealing

So committed to your misfortune

But still a cheater

Such a waste of a beautiful day

Wish you could be here

Phonyvirus 2020

So yeah. It's been awhile. As I type this, we're still in the middle of the "great plague" of 2020. Coronavirus aka COVID-19 has everything shutdown. Our economy is collapsing. A lot of people have died, about 122K worldwide as of today's official count. That number was supposed to be a lot higher but for reasons one or the other, it's a lot less. I won't go into the minutia of why or what I speculate, but let's just say it hasn't brought us together as a society any more than before. We're as divided as ever. It seems like if you have anything positive to say about Trump or anything he's done, suddenly you're lumped in with the Trump cult crowd, or if you have anything negative to say you're a hater. It's like people have completely forgotten there's a middle ground and both things can be true. I like some of what he's done, and hate other things about what he says and does. It's not all black and white, but that's just how I see it. I have a duplicity in my nature.

In that vein, I'll move on to the bulk of my post. I'm done with pretending to be something or someone I'm not. The last few years have given me a lot of clarity on things that I didn't see before. The last year in particular. People I once thought were friends have drifted away or outright stopped talking to me because I don't agree with them on every political point. I had to get off Facebook. Every day I found myself getting pissed off at someone or something and I just don't need that in my life. I have enough stress and things to worry about. I'm tired of trying to keep people happy or be some image of something that I'm not to please those who at the end of the day, don't really give a shit anyway. I'm tired of trying to please people who can't be pleased. Be bitter, I refuse.

That's why I had walked away from this blog. There was a time when I thought maybe I wanted to find ways to monetize or at least raise my profile in social media. I've been toying with finishing a book and getting it published, so hey, why not right? A good social media presence would be a good thing, right? That may be true, but I've reached a point where I don't care what anyone else thinks about me. Love me or leave me. I've been hiding too much and painting pictures that are more surrealism than realistic. I'm done with that. My last post about our camping trip? It was bullshit. I mean, yeah, those events happened. And I truly do hope my kids will have good memories about it. But for me, it was a disaster. I feel like I threw away a lot of money on a trip that nobody appreciated. Maybe the kids will someday, but outside of the little one, it sure didn't seem like it at the time. There was a lot of bitching, fighting, complaining, and all around bad attitudes. And the pic of the Lincoln Memorial? You know what I remember about it? I remember trying to get a picture with my loving wife in front of the reflecting pool along with all the other loving couples and basically getting into a fight about it instead. The one lasting memory I have is a fight with the person who is supposed to be my ride or die. I know I'll never be back there again. I'll never have another opportunity to take that pic, and she burned it to the ground. That's my memory. I remember going home still bitter and angry. I should have posted honestly about it, but I didn't want to create a negative image. I don't care anymore. I'm calling it like I see it. I appreciate someone pointing this out to me and giving me motivation to rectify myself. I like blogging. I just don't like being a phony.

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I live a picture in my head

Colours soaring as I float up with my body in my bed, yeah

And I wonder if I'm dead

Saw the white light flicker so I wake up in a sweat; code red

Sirens going off, probably something that I dreamt

Thinking 'bout the shit I never told you that I meant

I can't shake it off, chloroform, peace and rest

But you know all I ever really wanted was a friend

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

Late night fantasy, it's when I teleport again

I got a spare key, we can and go and play pretend

(We can go and play pretend, yeah)

We can really transcend, no (We can really transcend, yeah)

You and me in an empty room

They can't get in, only room for two

If you play your part and I play mine, too

I'll never take my eyes off you

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

I love the picture in my head

But I know that it's not real

I live a picture in my head

'Cause I like how it makes me feel

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

All about the dark places you hide

Tell me all your problems, make them mine

Tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

I wonder if the sun will shine again

If I'll ever see your face again

You know I'd rather die than say goodbye

So tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

Tell me all your sweet, sweet, oh no

(Sweet, sweet, tell me all your sweet, sweet little lies)

2019 Road Trip Camping Family Vacation Extravaganza

We finally did it. We've talked about going to DC for years. I had been wanting to go camping for years. We decided to combine the two and doing a camping/road trip to see the capital. It wasn't completely stress free, but it was way better than I had expected. Most surprising of all was how comfortable we all were in a tent in the rain. Thankfully the tent held up well and other than some minor discomfort while setting up in Gatlinburg, TN in the rain, it was pretty cozy.

We started out our trip Saturday and drove to Memphis. That night we ate bbq at Charlie Vergos. It was good and everyone seemed to enjoy it, but I didn't so much. I think I like Texas style bbq better than the dry rub style, but that's just my preference. 

The next night we went to Nashville. We had some amazing burgers and shakes at Hugh Baby's and did some shopping at an antique shop per Anna's request. 

Night 3 we spent in Gatlinburg, TN where Ezra had an encounter with chickens. I'd post the video of him giggling but he'd never forgive me. "Chicken butts!!! heeheeheehehee!"

Tuesday night we spent in Lexington, VA (Natural Bridge) and it was basically just a pit stop on the way to break up the drive. We didn't do anything significant but I think the kids played in the pool for an we relaxed. 

Wednesday we made it to DC. Setup the campsite, chilled and planned to roll out the next day. Thursday came and after wandering around for awhile I decided to spring for a Big Bus Tour. I'm really glad I did because we would have been lost and wasting our time. We got to drive around and see the city and plan where we wanted to go the next day. Also we may have gotten a little sunburned and dehydrated. Teens may have complained. Life happens. Friday we went back and started touring the town properly. The bus tour ticked was still valid as we purchased it after 1pm. (Score!) That enabled us to ride from site to site and not pay extra. We saw the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. We saw the Holocaust memorial. We saw the Korean war memorial. We saw the Lincoln memorial. We got it an argument at that point and rode back to the parking garage all pissed off at each other. Then we almost couldn't get into the garage as it was past 7pm and closed, but we eventually did. Tempers cooled. We made it back to the campsite. We slept and departed Saturday.

I made the decision to forgo last 2 campsites for hotels as it would have been too late Saturday night, and turned out Sunday it was pouring rain. It worked out because Jenn got a great little hotel in Knoxville, and one of my customers hooked me up with a room at the Crown Plaza in Little Rock Saturday night. 

All in all, vacation success. I would have liked a few things to have been better and smoother, but considering it was a car trip across the country, it went pretty well. No breakdowns. No injuries. Everyone made it home safe. Most importantly, memories were made, and I hope more positive than not. I don't know if I'll get a chance to do this again anytime soon, so I will enjoy this memory. 

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan--to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations." - Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address

Round and Round

Life keeps on ticking by. Ups and downs. Right now I'm in a high season. It's a refreshing break. It's been a long time coming. Working at home has been great. My most stressful day in awhile was dealing with issues with my 3 trucks yesterday. At the end of the day, I still have 3 trucks running. My business. My name. My company. I'm blessed beyond what I deserve.

I'm loving everything about where God is taking my life right now. I also am really in love with my wife more and more. She's been there through all the chaos, and it's wonderful getting to take a minute to enjoy her when there's a season of prosperity.

I pray I don't waste the opportunity and live in a way that honors God for blessing me.

Oh, for all we know

Oh, the world is trying to show us where we first went wrong

And it's a crime if we don't

We weren't the one, we made it all along

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

Ooh

Oh, for all that we know

Oh, we're the highest bumping rhythms that are not around

Oh, but for all

Oh, you spin me 'round

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

'Round and 'round

Had ups and downs

No, but I can't be without

My love that I have found

Oh, when it fits

It should stay like this

Oh, I can't be without

My love that I have found

No no

No no, no no no no no

Oh, I can't be, I can't be without the love that I found

No no

No no, no no no no no

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Ooh

Ooh ooh

Letting Go

I've spent a lot of time trying to hold onto things. Money. Relationships. Jobs. Habits.

A couple weeks ago, I let go of my truck. I had been trying really hard to hang onto it until October when the last payment would be due. God had other plans. That's the part I've been trying to wrap my head around. I had wanted to be home with my wife and kids. I also wanted to get into a financial situation where I wasn't worried or stressed about paying bills. In my mind, the solution was to stick it out in the truck until it was paid for and then start looking for other drivers to add. Then this happened:

Someone at the shipper I was hauling from decided to knock a big hole in my trailer. On top of that, I was still having issues with the emission system on the truck. It was too much. I had struggled long enough. I didn't know what was going to happen or how it'd work out, but I knew I couldn't keep going. I needed to be home with my family. All the gold in the world wasn't worth the time I was losing with my kids and my wife. And this sort of stress was just more than I needed. I was near the point of cracking. So I gave it to God. 

Now here I am today. The insurance declared the trailer a total loss. I sold the truck for more than I owe on it. I found a replacement owner operator to take my spot on the insurance. I'm going to be okay financially. Most importantly, I'm home with my family every night again. That's a blessing.

Sometimes letting go is what we need in order to see the big picture. I'd never have gotten out of the truck if my trailer hadn't been hit. It was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. 

I'm ready to give it all over to Him. 

All the gold and the guns in the world

(couldn't get you off)

All the gold and the guns and the girls

(couldn't get you off)

All the boys, All the choices in the world

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

All the lace and the skin in the shop

(couldn't get you off)

All the toys and the tools in the box

(couldn't get you off)

All the noise, all the voices never stop

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Why you givin' me a hard time

I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

Is it ever gonna be enough

More and more, more and more, more and more,

More and more and more and more, more and more.